


Your heart is far too young to realize the unimaginable light you hold inside

by galaxhyun



Category: Pentagon (Korean Band)
Genre: Eventual Smut, Fluff, Homophobia? a bit, LOTS of swearing bc I swear a lot, M/M, Swearing, and hyunggu wants to kill him, hongseok is confused, hwitaek is so sweet but so dumb, hyojong is so strong i coulnd't, hyojong x hongseok frinedship has me living, shinwon is just SO slow, so it's wooseok, so it's yuto, that stage in which you don't know what you like but you know WHO you like, underage drinking if you live in the us, yanan is so cute is2g
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-15
Updated: 2017-07-22
Packaged: 2018-09-24 17:14:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 29,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9773987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/galaxhyun/pseuds/galaxhyun
Summary: 10 boys living under the same roof can be nice... or a mess... or both. And when feelings start to appear, they start to lose their shit.Hwitaek is sweet but Hyojong doesn't know if he's doing all of it with the intension of hurting him.Hyunggu hates how slow and dumb Shinwon can be.Hongseok can't solve his own issues but Jinho doesn't want to leave his head on the most unexpected moments.Yuto doesn't know what he wants, but he know that he wants it with Wooseok.Yanan is hopelessly in love but Changgu is to stupid to notice.Falling in love is always complex, but things get complicated when you know you shoulnd't.





	1. You would be the one to hold my heart

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I want to say a few things
> 
> > This is my first fic and, to add to the mix, English is not my first language so I'm SO sorry if I made any mistakes (I'm like 90% sure I did)
> 
> > I'll probs take my time uploading this but it's bc I want to be complately sure that what I've written isn't crap.
> 
> > I try to be funny sometimes but I don't think I'm really good at it
> 
> > ptg is one of my bias groups and I love them so so so much so I wanted to write about them for suuuuch a long time so I hope this isn't complete shit and you enjoy it
> 
> > Also, the names for the chapters (and the title) are lyrics from songs I like

“How,” Hwitaek asked.

“It’s actually a funny story!” Hyunggu replied, smiling wildly.

“Hyunggu, if I hear another word leave your lips that doesn’t contribute to an explanation, I’m going to punch you,” Shinwon scolded him, crossing his arm on his chest.

Hyunggu looked down, but not before shooting an annoyed look at his hyung. Yuto, who had taken a sit on the left side, sighed loudly. “The real question is: why am I here?”

Hyojong contained his laughter, knowing Hwitaek will have kicked him if he laughed. The three maknaes were squeezed into one of the living room couches, looking uncomfortable. Hwitaek and Shinwon were standing in front of them, looking like two parents about to nag their three kids, or like murderers about to commit a crime, he wasn’t too sure yet.

“We were gone for exactly an hour,” Hwitaek said, placing both hands on his hips. “One hour. And we came back to… this. Are any of you going to explain to me what happened?”

Hongseok popped his head from the kitchen door, looking worried. “Hwitaek hyung, they will explain it to you after dinner, because this is getting cold.” The maknaes looked up at him as he was some kind of God, but he just shook his head. “Don’t thank me; you’re explaining this to us after dinner.”

They seemed defeated as they stud up, walking to the dining room. Hwitaek and Shinwon shared a looked of “this isn’t nearly over” and followed them.

Hyojong finally left his laugh out, trying to be as quiet as possible. He looked back at the living room, how it resembled a coast town that had just being hit by a hurricane. He, of course, was 100% sure about how that happened, but watching his friends struggle with it was way too funny to say anything.

 

The dinner went as expected. The maknaes were tenses and so were Shinwon, Hwitaek and Hongseok. Jinho had missed the scolding of the youngers as he was helping Hongseok with the dinner, but he just wanted a relax meal, so he tried to raise the mood. “So, our promotions for _Pretty Pretty_ start tomorrow, are you anxious?”

“I am! This is such a different side of us, I hope people like it,” said Changgu, putting his chopsticks down. He looked at Yanan, who was sitting next to him. “What do you think?”

“Well, I like the choreography and Hyunggu worked really hard on it, so I hope our fans like it too.”

“They will,” Hwitaek’s voice was soft and sweet. It was his leader’s voice. “I think everyone had had a cutie concept before. If not an entire concept, at least a cutie choreography. And, come on, we even made Yuto look soft.”

The younger pouted in disagreement and everyone laughed. The mod changed incredibly fast, as they started talking and enjoying each other’s company. Hwitaek looked at Jinho, smiling. His friend smiled back. The leader was very thankful to have him by his side. Even though he himself was the “dad” of the group and Hongseok help him as the “mum”, Jinho and Hyojong were always helpful when it came to solving problems, as the other two were too paternal and tended to be too serious.

“So,” Hyojong said, trying to end with the topic once and for all. “How did the neighbor’s dog got into our dorm?”

Hongseok looked at him. “What? Was that what happened?”

“It was,” Wooseok’s low voice stroke from the opposite side of the table.

“I told you it was a funny story.”

“Hyunggu, no.” Shinwon voiced.

“WewereplayingMarioKartandIwaswinningandYutogotmadatmesohestudupandopenedthedoor-”

“Wooseok, for the love of God, breathe.” Hongseok said, actually concerned.

“Okay.”

Hwitaek looked at him, wondering if the red of his face was because he was getting out all of the air on his body or if he was embarrassed. The leader decided that it was a combination of both.

“We were playing Mario Kart and I was winning and Yuto got mad at me so he stud up and opened the door, probably to go for a walk, and there she was and I mean, she’s so fluffy and cute that we couldn’t resist and Yuto picked her up and Hyunggu was petting her and then Yuto let her on the floor and she started running everywhere and we run after her so she didn’t make a mess but we did instead and we’re sorry.” Wooseok finished, blowing his head. Yuto followed his example and finally, while sighing, Hyunggu too.

“Em,” Hwitaek turned around, looking at Shinwon for help.

“It’s okay, just don’t do it again,” the model-like boy said, while he himself was looking at Hongseok confusedly.

“Exactly, and you have to wash the dishes and clean the living room,” he finished.

“But,” Hyunggu started.

“No buts Hyunggu” Shinwon said.

The younger boy crossed his arms, mimicking what his hyung did when they were on the living room, but didn’t say anything. Hwitaek looked at Hyojong, laughing silently and he couldn’t stop himself for imitating the leader. Jinho caught this interaction and smiled for himself.

When they were done eating, each member went on his own direction. The three maknaes divided the work: Hyunggu took care of the dishes, while Yuto and Wooseok cleaned the salon. Shinwon disappeared on his room, just like Yanan and Changgu. Hyojong claimed the bathroom, as he was known for his long showers, and Hwitaek stayed on the dining table, scrolling through his phone.

“Something interesting?” a voice said, taking a sit new to him.

“Nope, just doing things I’m not supposed to,” he responded, smiling. “Do you wanna break the rules with me, hyung?”

“Oh well, and you call yourself a responsible leader Hui?” Jinho said, staring down to his friend’s phone. Typed in English, he had searched for “Pentagon” on the twitter search bar. “Oh my, you’re such a badass, Lee Hwitaek.”

The taller boy rolled his eyes. He wasn’t exactly breaking any rule, but their manager wouldn’t be happy if he accidently liked a tweet, so he had to be extremely careful. Of course, Pentagon wasn’t just the name of their band, so he came across some random things. But some other weren’t random at all. Pictures, cute messages and some that made him cringe. But Jinho stopped him before he could keep going down.

“Look, these are my favorite ones,” he pointed at a picture of Changgu and Yanan. It was from one of their “What’s on cube?” episodes. Yanan was giving his hyung a back hug while the other boy was talking, looking at the camera. “Yanan and Changgu’s ship is the best thing on the universe, I’ll never stop laughing about it; Yanan gets so red when someone talks about it on public; it’s hilarious.”

“Really? Well, I personally think Jinhongseok is the best one,” Hwitaek murmured, because Hyunggu was walking out of the kitchen.

Jinho looked at him with the expression “done” wrote all over his face but laughed. He knew he was paired with Hongseok the most and, as best friends, it had always amused them. He decided that joking with this can go both ways.

“Oh, come on! I mean, huidawn will always be pentagon’s best ship.”

Hwitaek chocked on the water he had just drunk. The name of his ship with Hyojong made him a bit uncomfortable, he wasn’t sure why.

“I mean,” a voice said from behind them, “you’re just stating the obvious hyung.”

Hyojong let himself fall on top of Hwitaek, almost making him throw his phone. Hyunggu, who had been listening for the last few minutes, laughed and sat new to Jinho, how was also laughing and shook his head to the dancer.

“We know,” he stated, getting serious all of the sudden and looking directly into Hyojong’s eyes that, for a second, froze. Hwitaek turned his head, looking confused and the younger broke in laugher again, followed by his hyungs.

 

Shinwon came out of his room to look for a glass of water and stared at the scene: Hyojong was trying to hit Hyunggu’s head, but he couldn’t move because Hwitaek was grabbing both of his arms. Jinho was crying of laugher next to them, trying effortless to stop the rapper.

“Well, look like you’re having fun,” he declared, his voice sounding a little confused.

“Oh,” Jinho stared at him, trying to breathe. “You have no idea.”

Shinwon giggled, shaking his head and continued his way to the kitchen. He could hear a noise before walking directly to the fridge.

“Hyung”

His dongsaeng startled him, almost making him bang his head with the inside of the cooler.

“Hyunggu, you scared me,” he responded, head still on the refrigerator. “What do you need?”

“You’re not really angry at me, are you?” his voice sounded little. He was lying on the doorway, head down.

“Of course I’m not! I mean, I was a bit before but it’s because you three scared me, that’s it,” he pulled himself out of the small place, and turned around, searching for a glass. While he was passing next to his friend, he tousled his hair. “You are my little bothers; it’s normal for me to worry about you and, well, it also normal that I scold you too.”

Hyunggu bit his lower lip while nodding. “Yeah… your little brother…”

His hyung smiled at him, raising an eyebrow at his remarking, but decided to ignore it. After returning the bottle to the fridge, he looked at his friend again. “Let’s go to sleep, okay?”

“Sure.”

Shinwon didn’t know why, but Hyunggu’s smiled seamed fake.

 

Changgu was reading a book in silence when he heard someone calling his name. Yanan’s voice was small and really quiet, but Changgu could always listen to him, no matter when or where.

“Yes?” he put his book down, looking on his friend’s direction. The Chinese boy was staring at the ceiling, arms crossed over his chest.

“No, never mind.”

Changgu stud up from his bed and jumped into his friend’s one. Yanan moaned in pain, but the older boy just laughed. “You can’t do that, okay? From now on, it’s forbidden. If you want to say something, just say it!”

Yanan looked at his hyung eyes and then, carefully, to the side. “How do you know if…”

Changgu raised his eyebrows. “If…”

The younger boy swallowed, looking at the ceiling again. Why had he gone and started this conversation? He was really stupid; there was no way he was getting out of this. “How do you know if you really like someone?”

Changgu snickered as quite as he could, he didn’t want to make the other boy uncomfortable now that he had got him to talk. “Well, that’s actually the most subjective question on the world, Yannie. First tell me all about it and I’ll see why you are in doubt. That way, I’ll be easier to help.”

“I don’t really know myself. One day I woke up and I realized that… she was more than just a friend for me. We do almost everything together and I just can’t imagine my life without... erm… her. I’ve found myself thinking how it would feel to hug her, touch her face, kiss her and,” Yanan was extremely thankful the lights were out, because if they weren’t, Changgu would have notice him blushing, “and even, sleeping with her. I just, I’m just too confused.”

His hyung was listening and he wanted to say something, but an uneasy feeling started growing on his stomach and he couldn’t quite tell what it was. “It sounds a lot like love to me,” he simply said, sliding his body next to Yanan’s.

The Chinese boy squirmed a bit, because the bed was too small for the two of them. He finally turned around to look at his roommate. His was biting his lower lip and had a funny expression on his face. For the first time, Yanan realized he wasn’t wearing a shirt and opened his eyes wildly. “Thanks hyung, that’s it.”

But he didn’t move an inch. Actually, Yanan was questioning if he had even been listening. He seemed on his own world and that, even though he will never admit it, made the younger a bit angry.

“Changgu hyung, that’s it. Thank you. Can I sleep now?” he repeated, nudging his hyung’s elbow. The touch, although scarce, made Yanan regret his action immediately. Changgu’s skin was hot.

“Eh? Yeah, sorry.”

He could almost felt himself falling to the floor, as Yanan passed above him on a second.

“I’m going to the bathroom.”

He could, also, almost felt the door getting smacked, but Yanan was too gentle and considered to do that.

Changgu returned to his bed, tossed the book aside and lay facing the wall. The uneasy felling hadn’t gone away and he was starting to get worried. The next day they’ll start with their new promotions.

_You can’t get sick now, Yeo Changgu, not now._

If there was something they all liked, was preforming. Hwitaek felt kind of stupid thinking about that. _Of course we all like preforming, we’re musicians._ The air changed completely ones they’d stepped on a stage. Usually, their sexy side came back to life, bringing with it intense looks and even more intense body rolls. But this time, it was different. Smiles, peace sings, hugs and lots of aegyo were the base of their newest promotions and, even though he told the member everything was going to be fine, he wasn’t completely sure himself. Their cover of _Candy_ didn’t count because it was that, a cover. This was their concept, their entire concept. No intense looks, no body rolls. Hwitaek shook his head, trying to concentrate on anything but his worrying thoughts. And that turned out to be Yanan, who was just passing by.

“Yananie!” The leader called,

“Oh, hyung, hi!” The younger boy seemed a little off and Hwitaek crossed it out as nervousness.

“You don’t have to be nervous, we’re going to do great, this is one of the public’s favorite songs” and, as he said those words, he didn’t know for which of them they were directed. “Is Changgu ready? He usually spends way too much time on his hair.”

The Chinese boy opened his eyes wildly. “I don’t know about Changgu hyung or how he spends 22 minutes on his hair, goodbye.”

And with that he was off, letting behind a pretty confused Hwitaek. Scratching his head, the singer decided that Yanan was just weird and intersected his next victim.

“Hyojongggggggggg,” he almost screamed, clinching to his dongsaeng’s back.

Hyojong laughed, grabbing his hyung’s wrists and putting his own weight down, almost giving him a piggyback.

“Hellooooooo”

“You’re going to mess up your hair,” Hwitaek’s voice sounded small but loud at the same time, as he was barely pressing his lips on the other boy’s neck. He could feel chills going through the body beneath him and giggled. “Ticklish?” he whispered, trying to make Hyojong shudder and laugh, but Hyojong wasn’t having it.

The rapper put him down quickly saying “yes, I hate them,” and walked off.

_What the fuck is going on with the members today?_

“Hwitaek,” his manager’s voice brought him back from his thought, “it’s time, let’s go.”

 

Hyunggu couldn’t believe how lucky they were. It had barely been 4 month since their debut but they already had a lot fans that screamed for them on the performances. He could even recognize some faces on the fansingings and some usernames on twitter. That day, Hyunggu was so grateful with their fans he almost cried. When they got on stage, during the song and even after it, the cheers were overwhelming. He leaned on the closest wall when they got off the set, head empty and finally starting to relax after 2 week of stressing and thinking too much.

And then, a hand touched his shoulder and he nearly almost cried for the second time.

But he didn’t.

“Hyunggu, are you okay? Do you feel sick? Should I take you to the bathroom?” Shinwon’s face was filled with concern, his eyes as opened as they could be.

And Hyunggu just wanted to kick him.

But he didn’t.

“I’m fine hyung, just overwhelmed by how well it turned out.”

Shinwon got closer and the younger’s first instinct was to take a step back.

But he didn’t.

The taller boy pinched his check and he felt like slapping his hand away.

But he didn’t.

“Of course it turned out well! We’re amazing and you choreography is the best thing about this promotion.”

And then he did that thing when he smiled with his whole face and Hyunggu wanted to kiss him.

But he didn’t.

“Thanks,” he simply said, looking right and pushing his body off the wall.

_Shinwon is like that to everyone, I’m not special to him. I’m his little brother, just like Wooseok or Yanan._

But Shinwon wasn’t an idiot. He knew something was going on, so he placed a hand on his dongsaeng’s forehead. “Are you sure you're okay?”

Hyunggu quickly shook his hand away, looking uncomfortable. “I’m okay.”

He hadn’t shouted, but the older boy felt attacked.

“Fine,” and, with that, he turned around and walked to the van.

Hwitaek looked at him curiously, but Shinwon didn’t felt like talking to him. His particularly good day had suddenly started sucking. He wasn’t sure why, but Hyunggu had that power over him: with a word, an action, he could change his mood completely.

He hugged himself as he took a set, but it wasn’t cold at all.

“Hyung!”

He smiled at Wooseok’s voice, who had taken a sit next to him.

“We did amazing!” The maknae let his head fall on his hyung’s lap. The older tried to focus on him and not on Hyunggu, how had sat next to Wooseok and was looking even more annoyed than before.

He glanced down and caressed the maknaes fringe. “We did. I caught your aegyo with the corner of my eye and almost died!”

Yuto, who was sitting in front of them, turned around. “Well, but what about mine?”

Both exchanged a look that only they could understand and Shinwon stopped touching Wooseok. “Yours made my want to hug you.”

“I’ll accept that hug later,” Yuto stated, turning around again.

Hyunggu bitted the inside of his checks and licked his teeth. First Shinwon, then Wooseok and now Yuto. He was surprised with his own self-control and thanked himself for not leaving any of them with a black eye that day.

 

Hongseok was lying on his bed when Hyojong entered to the room they shared eating a bag of chips. He looked relaxed and his hyung smiled. Last week, they had had a heartfelt conversation that left both of them crying. Even though they didn’t show it on camera, they had a pretty close relationship.

But Hongseok kept asking himself “ _is it close enough?”_

He wasn’t sure.

“Hyung!” Hyojong’s voice brought him back to reality.

“Sorry, sorry. I was thinking about something.”

“It’s fine; I was asking if you want some,” he shook the bad in front of the older boy’s face.

“Sure,” he took a chip and crushed it with his mouth, still thinking.

“You seem out of yourself today,” Hyojong said, fixing him with a confused expression.

“I just have lots of things on my head.”

“I know I’m not Jinho hyung, but you can still talk to me,” he stated, sitting on Hongseok bed while eating more fries.

“The statement was unnecessary, you’re my friend and I really like talking to you. It’s just… I don’t know where to start.”

“Maybe the topic that’s bothering you the least? And then you can go up on the _itching my ass_ list.”

Hongseok laughed. If he could thank his dongsaeng for something, it will be for his ability of always making him feel better. Whenever he wasn’t being his usual self or was just sad, the smallest rapper never failed in making him smile.

“Well, the first thing is,” he rested his head on his arm and the last one on his leg, “that I’m completely sick of cooking every day. I love making meals for you guys, don’t get me wrong, it’s just that sometimes I’m tired and I really don’t feel like it.”

It was a small and stupid thing, but the singer felt as the weight of a piano was being lifted from his shoulders. He looked at his roommate and this smiled.

“Well, that’s something reasonable. I had to cook for some member when you were gone and it wasn't a nice thing,” Hyojong looked up and shivered for a bit, as the memory wasn’t nearly as innocent as he made it sound. “Also, that was the worst lunch of my life so, please, I’ll help you convince the other members but if you appreciate your life, keep me out of the kitchen”

Hongseok bitted his lower lip, eating his laugh and trying to look serious. “Okay, it’s a deal.”

The younger boy nodded and crossed his legs. For a second, he looked like a child and his roommate smiled. Hyojong had that image of being mature but sassy, funny but caring. He almost never showed this side of himself, soft and childish. “Go on.”

Hongseok imitated his friend, sitting cross-legged. “This is probably the most idiotic one, but Hwitaek owns that green sweater and-”

Before he was able to finish his sentence, the rapper was squishing his eyes and nodding. “Don’t worry about that, Shinwon has an elaborated plan to _lose_ it.”

“Oh my God, remain me to thank him later. My eyes can’t take it anymore.”

They both chuckle and Hongseok felt warm. He felt accompanied, and it was nice. But then he remembered that now, things we getting where he didn’t want to.

_The serious issues start now._

“I think Wooseok likes Shinwon, which sucks because Hyunggu obviously likes him too and Yuto likes Wooseok,” he said it as fast as he could but keeping in understandable. He didn’t want to, but looked at the younger for a reaction.

Hyojong wrinkled the bag and threw it to the bin on the other side of the room. He could have easily scored a triple on a basketball match, he had perfect aim.

He didn’t look surprised at all, and that was a good sign. “I think that Wooseok’s love for Shinwon is kind of platonic? I’m not sure, but I don’t think he’s in love with him. I mean, it’s like the love you have for an older cousin when you’re young and then you understand you just admire them. Also, he seems straight to me but I’m usually wrong with my assumptions. And, yes, Hyunggu is completely into with Shinwon. That boy can’t possibly be any slower, seriously. About Yuto, I’m not sure. Maybe he’s just scared that Shinwon would take his best friend away.”

“You’re maybe right, but I don’t know what to do.”

_Because I’m a mess and I can’t solve my own love life._

“For now, let’s just watch from afar. If thing gets ugly or, even better, before they do, we will interfere.”

_It’s easier to accept it when it’s not about you or one of the closest people you know._

“Okay,” Hongseok bounced slowly from left to right.

_And when it’s just suspicions._

“There is one more thing, isn’t in?”

_No. Yes. I don’t know._

He scratched the left side of his head. “Yeah,” he looked so uncomfortable Hyojong almost told him that they could leave it there. But he knew something big was going on with his hyung, so he shut up.

_What if he punches me? What if he stops being my friend? I can’t lose him._

_But he didn’t seem amused about Hyunggu._

_Well, fuck it._

“I think I’m gay.”


	2. We can't leave us behind anymore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> messy winter days

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so a few things:
> 
> One, I'm so happy for the kudos, the comments and evertithing you left me on the first chapter I'm cjdvbfd thank you so much.  
> Second, YUTO I'M SORRY I LOVE YOU please no one kill me.  
> Third, I really like writing Changgu idk why.  
> Forth, DON'T KILL SHINWON OKAY I LOVE HIM and I didn't mean to be offensive, he's just a representation of what I went through lol  
> Also, I had to change the rating of this hahaha ups

“You think?”

_Yes, this is better that being punch on the face._

Hongseok sighed. “Yes, I mean, I’m not sure.”

“You will probably never be. I mean, I thought I was gay since I was like 12 and then I realized I also like girls. I am bisexual now but, you know, maybe someday that will change. Sexuality doesn’t have to be something stable and permanent like tattoo, it can change. Also, you don’t have to feel pressure to let people know that you aren’t straight. I mean, people don’t come to you saying they’re straight, it’s a thing created by this fucked up society. ”

The older boy dropped his mouth open. He wasn’t expecting any of this.

He was expecting for Hyojong to be shock, to look at him as he was some kind of freak, like his old friends had.

He wasn’t expecting for Hyojong to open about his own sexuality and showing that he didn’t have a close mind.

He just wasn’t.

_Well then, this is new._

“Hongseok hyung, are you going to stare at me like that the whole night or are you going to say something’”

“I’m-,” he scratched the back of his head, closing his eyes. When he opened them again, Hyojong was looking at him softly, like he wanted to jump and hug him. “Okay, so this is going to get personal and just stop me if I shoot you too much information. I’m not gonna talk about my tragic past in which I was discriminated because that’s just sad, so let’s talk about now. Well, not exactly now but you know what I mean.

>When I moved companies, I decided not to talk about it with anyone. It’s not that my friends in YG were bullies or anything, but people started looking at me differently when I broke it to them. And I was kinda done with that, so I decided that this time, I wasn’t going to lie, I just wasn’t going to bring it up. But quite a while has passed, I’ve grown and I’ve realized that I’m closer to being gay everyday that I’m to not being and I feel like I **am being** a dishonest piece of shit with all of you. It’s the first time that I feel part of a family since I left home and I don’t wanna be a fucking idiot and lie. But, at the same time, I love you so much and I’m so scare to lose the family I’ve created with you that I can’t bring myself to say anything. “

Hyojong nodded. “I understand you, partially. You too are the first ones with which I have a relationship like this and losing you? Nope thanks, I’ll die first. I know my condition is different as I can still talk about girls without lying, but at the same time, I too feel like I’m constantly being misleading. Ones, I walked into Changgu changing his shirt and he couldn’t understand why the fuck I was apologizing. But the thing is that this people, hyung, love us and I don’t really think they’ll stop loving us because we like dicks.”

“Me neither, but I’m still scared.”

They both stared at each other for a while. They knew perfectly what the other was saying but fear is the worst feeling someone can have, as it’s one of the most difficult to get detached of.

Hongseok leaned in, pulling his dongsaeng into a hug. The rapper was awed at first, but it didn’t take long for him to press his hyung back. Hongseok wasn’t the kind of people that cried a lot, but that moment called for it. A few tears run down his eyes, jolting him. Hyojong whispered something like “please don’t cry”, but the older was too concentrated on the fact that he was crying, hugging one of his best friends after confession he was 90% homosexual.

_Well, this day took a turn._

 

Yuto had locked himself on the bathroom, trying to think about anything but what had just happened. It was their last day promoting _Pretty Pretty_ and his hyung were so touchy and sweet he couldn’t resist it. His hormones were playing him lately, getting boners on unexpected places and times, making him have way too hot dreams and feeling his blood rush when someone was being to touchy.

**Someone.**

And he didn’t want to seem like a bitch, so he tried to act as his normal self, hugging people back and laughing with them. But Wooseok had had no better idea that sitting on his lap because ‘he didn’t fit on the couch and he didn’t want to sit on the floor’ and it was just too much, making him excuse himself to the restroom and gaining an odd look from Jinho.

And there he was, pulling his pants and underwear down and resting a hand on his half hard dick, trying not to think about it anything, or anyone, he shouldn’t on that situation.

He wasn’t a teenager any more, this shit should have ended a while ago. He shouldn’t be feeling like this and, more importantly, he shouldn’t be feeling like this because of some tall little maknae.

Thinking about Wooseok on that situation was **exactly** what he wanted to dodge, as he could feel his length twitching.

Why was he so weird? Why was that boy so beautiful and hot and… fuck it.

He left his mind do whatever it wanted, feeling itself with thought off the youngest boy. He thought about how his back muscles tensed when Yuto walked into the room while he was changing; how his eyes closed slowly when he rested his head on Yuto’s lap; how he bit his lip while writing a rap, trying to find the right words.

The Japanese boy started stocking slowly his already full hard erection, knowing that what he was doing was wrong, really wrong. But he just couldn’t stop himself, as if Wooseok was some kind of drug. He imagine how good it would feel to slip his hand on the other’s pant, feeling him completely aroused, eyes locked and his own name escaping the younger’s lips.

The precum helped him move his hand faster, now thinking how fucking hot the maknae will look kissing the inside of his thigh, while his slender fingers grab all the way around Yuto’s dick, touching him as he was doing right now. He chewed on his lower lip strongly, trying to contain his whining.

The rapper **knew** he was going too far, that jerking of thinking about his bad mate was just too much, but stopping wasn’t an option. He felt the hot from the bottom of his stomach moving even lower, and he reached his orgasm thinking about Wooseok licking the head of his crotch. Cumming on silence was the most difficult thing he had ever done, but he somehow managed to do it, chocking on his loud moan.

He panted quickly but as quiet as he could, not to think about what had just happened. Ones he started thinking, his life was over. He reached the sick to wash his hand, still trying to catch his breath.

He left the toilet with the idea of attacking Jinho, asked him if he could use his room that night but, sadly, his hyung knew a bit too much.

As soon as Yuto entered his room, the short male smirked at him, containing his laugher.

“H-hyung?”

“Oh Yuto, I’m so sorry, but I just happened to pass by the bathroom a while ago… Having a good time, weren’t you?”

The rapper entered complete panic mode. If he had just being jerking off, he would have just laughed about it with Jinho, but getting himself of **while** thinking about Wooseok? Nope, just no. Only the idea of Jinho knowing made him so worried he felt on his knees, covering his burning face with both hands.

Jinho stud up as fast as he could.  He was just trying to tease his dongsaeng, not making him cry. He wrapped an arm around the younger’s shoulder, leaning closer. “Yuto, it’s okay. Oh God, I’m a guy too, okay? I also jerk myself of from time to time, if not, I’ll die. So please don’t worry about it, the other 9 of us do it as well.”

Jinho didn’t understand why Yuto had took it like that but he had never being really shameful so he decided not to judge. He pulled the younger up, moving his big hands off his face. “Yuto, I’m serious. It’s fine, just fine.”

Yuto nodded, still looking red. “I was wondering if I can crash here tonight.” His voice was barely a whisper, almost a cry.

Jinho, now being the one looking worried, glanced at him. “Are you okay? Did you fight with Wooseok?”

The boy shivered, and Jinho was about to snap when Yuto covered his face again. “Not exactly.”

The oldest didn’t know what to do. Those kind of things were usually solved by Hwitaek or Hongseok, but he couldn’t just tell him to leave and find some other hyung to help. So he just didn’t. Wrapping his arms more strongly, he leaded the taller boy to his bed. “Yuto, talk to me.”

The rapper shook his head, looking at the other direction. “I just can’t, I really can’t.”

“Okay,” Jinho petted his head, “you don’t have to. And you can sleep here tonight. But I don’t think I’ll fit on the bed too, so I’ll sleep on the couch. No, don’t worry, I’ve done that before. Now, go to sleep.”

Yuto felt guilty but so relief at the same time. Jinho smiled and left him on a room that wasn’t his to think about how fucked up he was.

 

Changgu took a sip of his coffee, not noticing he hadn’t put sugar on it yet. The sour taste made him cough and gag a bit. He rested both the mug and his elbows on the kitchen counter, covering his face while he sighed. It’d been like a week since he had had that conversation with Yanan about his love life and the uneasy feeling hadn’t gone yet. And he was feeling stupid.

He had made mistakes while practicing the choreographies, more than he usually did, had put salt on Jinho’s tea, earning a smack on his nape, had tried to use the remote upside down and had dropped around 3 plates. Hwitaek was worried about him and had asked if he was okay, if he needed to talk. But Changgu was okay, well, as okay as he could be with the feeling of something eating his stomach not leaving him since his talk with his best friend.

He threw the coffee, it was incredibly crappy anyway, and jumped into his black coat. Deciding to take over the studio for the first time in forever he texted the leader, who was probably laying on his bed on the room next door. A free weekend wasn’t something common.

**From: Changgu  
** _Hyung, I’m going to the studio, I fell some inspiration coming. Is someone there?_

**From: Hwi  
** _Nope, there’s no one there right now so feel free to use it. Don’t come home late, okay? Don’t over work yourself either or I’ll send Jinho to kick you :)_

Changgu smiled at his phone, shoved it into his back pocket and took off. It was a cold January, it snowed often and, when it wasn’t snowing, it was so cold it could be snowing. He froze for a second when the icy wind hit his face, creeping under his beanie, jumper and jeans.

The corporation’s building wasn’t too far away, so he decided to walk, stopping by a café that was on the way. It had being a while since the last time he was on the company alone, so it felt huge without the member’s voices, their staff’s steps and, sometimes, their manager’s screams. A few people were working but there were so little that he felt kind of abandoned, which was stupid, he knew all his friends were on the dorm.

When he finally reached the studio they were allowed to use, the building’s hot temperature had made him take off his coat already. He left it, joined by his scarf and gloves, on a chair but something caught his attention. Settled next to the chair, an acoustic guitar was calling him.  Well, not literally, as that would mean he was going insane, but it had also been a while since he had played.

Taking the instrument, he sat on the floor.

He let his feelings fill him, moving his head back and clearing his mind. Composing was someone he really enjoyed, even though he didn’t get the inspiration to do it often. It was also a way of escaping the situation he was living on that moment or maybe find a way to put it into world, chords or even a melody.

He shifted the fingers of his left hand into a Bm7 chord, strummed and picked the 2nd, 3rd and 4th strings. He then tried the same with an F chord. Closing his eyes, he decided that he didn’t want to go that way. He stud up, searched for a paper, a pen and the capo. He placed the last one on the guitar’s 4th fret, making the tone more suitable with his voice and started again.

This time, he went for a C chord, strumming down, down, up, up, down and up. He knew it was the most common strumming pattern, but it was also the one with which he felt the most comfortable. He changed to an F, then a G and finished on an A. No, it was good but not exactly what he was looking for.

He started again, his fingers shaped into an Am and he smiled, liking the way that chord sound. Traveling to an Em, the song started to sound like he wanted. He wasn’t sure if a C or an F was more suitable, so he tried both. The C sounded good, but the F sounded better. Then, forming a G chord, he decided that was the base for his new song. He wrote it down.

_Am, Em, F, G._

He went back to the Am, picking from the 6th to the 2nd string, cringing a bit at how bad it sounded. He decided to short it down, from the 5th to the 2nd. And then, he did the same thing with the F chord, moving one string up for the Em and the G.

He tried playing what he just came out with as an intro and followed it with the simple strumming.  He has his intro and his verse.

Getting exited, he wrote it down quickly and kept going, changing the first two chords’ positions to make a pre-chorus. He strummed down ones on each chord except for the G, to which he gave it a special strum.

_Em, Am, F, G._

Changgu smiled. Composing had never made him feel **that** happy and relief, like it was taking away the thoughts in his mind and the strange sensation on his stomach.

For the verse, he decided to go back to the pattern he used for the verse, but strumming more fiercely. And then he hummed something; he wasn’t sure if it fitted the guitar’s melody perfectly, but it was a start.

He leaned into the wall, resting his body.

It hadn’t even being that long, but he already had his song. It sounded a little melancholic, definitely not a Pentagon sounding song, but he loved it. He thought about calling Hwitaek in, so he could listen to it and tell him his opinion, but he discarded the idea.

He wasn’t sure why, but he felt that the song was his and just his, a personal thing that only he could appreciate.  As if someone else’s opinion would make it less **his**. It was a stupid thing to think, but he decided that, for now, the song was only for his ears.

His coffee had gotten cold, but he didn’t care. His face was red and sweat showered his back, but he was relaxed. Finally, after a week, he felt good, completely and entirely good.

When he took his phone, he realized he had like 25 trillion messages on the **_pentasquad_** ** _™._**

****

**From: Dawnie  
** _Wooseok, are you the reason why the instant coffee isn’t on the fridge and there’s an entire ant family vacationing on our kitchen? Don’t even answer that, it’s not really a question._

**From: Seoky  
** _Why is it always me? I don’t even like coffee **that** much._

Changgu opened his wildly, trying to remember if he had put the bag back on the fridge. Nope he hadn’t put the bag back to the fridge. _Fuck._ He left the guitar when he found it, putting his cloths back on as he kept reading the messages from the group chat.

**From: Hongmom  
** _The… kitchen... what?_

**From: Yannie  
** _Ups, Seoky, you made him angry._

**From: Jinnnnho  
** _If I were you, I’ll be already running, kid._

**From: Yuto-kun  
** _Dashi run run run._

**From: Seoky.  
** _IT WASN’T ME!!!_

Changgu was already half way to the dorm when he put his phone away, running as fast as he could street down.

 

Shinwon wasn’t sure how he ended up in that situation, but it was the fifth time he had knocked on Wooseok and Yuto’s door.

As soon as Changgu stepped on the door, sweaty, screaming something like “it was me oh my god I’m so sorry”, the maknae has looked himself on his room, not letting anyone in. Yuto had knocked like four billion times, but there had been no response and when he started getting impatient and screaming “Wooseok, you twat, just fucking let me in” Hwitaek had pulled him as far from the bedroom as he could and Shinwon had taken his place.

“Seoky, come on, let me in,” he said, closely as he could to the door. “I want to talk to you,” and after a second of thinking he added, “and apologize.”

The door made a click and the model-like boy entered, closing behind him.

Wooseok was on sitting on his bed, looking puffy. But his eyes weren’t red, so his hyung knew he hadn’t being crying, he was just mad.

“We’re sorry, okay? Hyojong is too.”

“Why is that, every time something happens, you all instantly blame me?” He sounded hurt and Shinwon sat next to him.

“It’s because you’re the youngest and we tend to think is either you or Hyunggu.”

That name seemed to move the maknae’s thought on a different direction.

“Hyung?”

“Yup?” the older wasn’t sure what happened, but he was glad his friends didn’t look angry anymore.

“Do you- em, are you and Hyunggu a thing?”

Shinwon looked at him quickly, eyebrows up. He wasn’t just surprised, he was shock.

“What?”

“You know, are you like, dating and stuff.”

“Where the hell did you get that idea from!?”

Wooseok scratched his head, looking at his hyung just a little bit. “Oh shit… I’m so sorry for Hyunggu…”

His voice wasn’t loud enough for Shinwon to understand completely what he had said, but he was almost sure.

“Listen, Hyunggu is one of my best friends, just like you. And don’t you think I’ll be weird? First of all, you’re my family; it’ll be like dating my brother. Second, he’s a boy and I’m sure I’m a straight as a square. You need to stop reading fan fictions, Seoky.”

The maknae sighed, looking at his hyung. “So, you’re telling me, you’ll never date him?”

“Exactly.”

Wooseok nodded and stud up, placing both hands on his friend’s shoulders. “I may be the younger, but you’re still the dumbest.”

And, with that, he left the room with a pretty confused Shinwon on it.  

The taller boy licked his lower lip, trying to understand exactly what had just happened.

He had never even imagined dating a dude and, even less, one of his band members. He wasn’t lying when he had said they were like a family to him. Around the other 9 boys, he felt at home. Well, better than at home.

He went back to his room, picking some of his cloths to take a shower. And dating a guy in Korea? Well, not just in Korea, but while being an idol? Ha, yeah, sure. It’ll be easier to find a dog with 3 heads. He couldn’t even remember knowing anything about homosexuality until he started watching YouTube. He liked some vloggers that had openly admitted on being gay and Shinwon hadn’t thought much about it. The United States was a country so different from his that he almost saw it as a different reality. But in Korea? There wasn’t even an openly gay idol and he couldn’t think about one that **he** thought was gay.

Being gay was also something he didn’t even question. He had always liked girls and, when he realized there where people that liked their own gender; he had already had a few girlfriends. Exactly, he had had girlfriends before, he had only dated girls and it had felt good, amazing actually.

So why was he thinking about this so much?

It took him a while to realize the shower was already running on the bathroom. He had pulled his shirt off and was doing the same with his pant when he heard a “hyung!” filled with panic.

Hyunggu was standing in front of him, well actually turning his back to him, peaking from the top of his shoulder, face completely red. His body was tanner than Shinwon’s and his lilac hair looked really good wet.

The older boy came back to reality, closing his zipper and pulling his shirt back on at the same time, screaming “I’m so sorry” while running out of the bathroom.

Well, maybe he wasn’t as straight as he thought he was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked Changgu's song because I actually composed it irl!! how crazy is that? Sorry if that part was too long, but I play the guitar and I wanted to make it as real as possible.
> 
> Let's fangirl together on twitter (https://twitter.com/stxrryjin)


	3. You put your arms around me and I'm home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> screams and cuddles

“Hwi?”

Hyojong voice was soft, but made Hwitaek smack back to reality. He put the book he was reading down so he could take a better look of his dongsaeng’s face. The rapper was sticking his tongue out of the left corner of his mouth, with the earphone of the same side on his hand.

“Yeah, what happen?”

“You haven’t turned a page in 2 songs so I got worried,” they had agreed on dropping the honorifics when they were at the dorm. Hyojong wouldn’t stop calling him hyung at first but, after a while, the difficult thing had been using it again. Since trainee days, the boys had been one of the closest pairings on the group. Hwi had found in Hyojong not just a friend, but a companion and, for the first time in a long time, the leader had felt at home with him. And that made the other guy, even though pretty different, his best friend.  

“I was thinking.”

“You are always thinking,” the younger scolded him, half joking.

Being the leader hadn’t change Hwitaek, but it had stressed him more, that wasn’t debatable. If he wasn’t thinking about promotion, he was about practice. If he wasn’t  nagging someone about some stupid cleaning going wrong (thanks Yanan), he was because no one was able to refill the water bottle on the fridge (except Hongseok and, when things were tense, Hyojong).

“What about?” he asked, pulling off his other earphone. His head was resting on his best friend’s lap so just looking up was enough to meet the worried expression on his face. “It’s about that again, isn’t it?”

Hyojong wasn’t sure what that topic had been on Hwi’s mind lately, but he would sell every organ of his body to stop it.

“It is… I’m just, I don’t know if I’m really good at this Jong.”

The rapper sighed, closing his eyes and containing his will to scream and disturb every single neighbor. When he opened them again, he placed his hands on his best friend’s cheeks, not necessarily forcing him to look down but letting him know he wanted him to. When the older stared back at him, Hyojong gave him the fluffiest smile he could pull off.

“I’ve told you this five million times, but I’m going to say it again, so pay attention. You’re and will ever be the best leader we could have ever asked for. You are rational, serious when it’s needed to, sweet, encouraging, caring and a lot of beautiful and positive adjectives more that I’m not going to say because it’s going to be way too cheesy. We have always said that there’s no Pentagon without the ten of us, but there’s also no Pentagon without our leader Lee Hwitaek. You are the only one that can occupy that position because, I mean, can you imagine any of us in that slot? We will have fucked everything up since day one; you’re out support, we just can’t without you.”

Hwitaek took his best friend’s hands on his own, pressing the quartet against his face. He could hear Jong’s quiet giggle and he smirked as well. Leaning into the younger’s chest, he let out a “thank you”. He had always thought he was a good leader but, lately, things were just too much and he wasn’t sure if he was doing his job properly.

With all the stress preparing a new promotion brings, the members had being more sensitive than ever, picking fights over the last toast, locking themselves on bathrooms/rooms and not taking to each other for days. Ones, Wooseok had eaten Jinho’s muffin and the older boy almost punched him.

And Hwi had felt that it was too much for him, that he couldn’t solve all the problems the members were having, he couldn’t nag all of them, he couldn’t be the shoulder they needed to cry.

Shaking his head against Jong’s chest, he whispered “thank you” again, as the rapper petted his head.

“You know I’ll always be here for you, right?”

“Of course,” Hwitaek’s voice was being smoothed by his friend’s shirt, but he knew he could be heard.

Other thing he liked about his dongsaeng was the fact that they could just be there, silent for hours and it wasn’t uncomfortable. He was sure that was a trade Hyojong had, as he wasn’t the only one to share comfortable silences with him, but he was still happy he was **one** of those ones. After a few years, the leader had realized that Jong was exactly the person he needed by his side. And he had no problem saying it out loud.

“And you know you’re the best friend I could have ever asked for, right?”

Hyojong smiled, but not completely.

“Of course”

 

Jinho came out of his room looking sleeping, but he didn’t miss the opportunity to snap a picture of the scene presented in front of him. Hwitaek and Hyojong were just too cute for him to handle. Every time they did something remotely sweet, the older would lose his mind.

The short male got to the kitchen without disturbing his friends but a thought that had been bothering him for a while overrun his mind again.

_Will I ever be able to fall in love?_

It was a stupid question, he knew that. But, at the same time, it was the most important question he had ever asked himself about.

He was only 24 years old but not ones on those 24 years he had felt something remotely close to being in love with someone. He had felt attracted to some girls, he had had some crushes, but that was about it.

During his high school years, he was too worried on becoming a singer he could be proud of that he never even tried to ask anyone out. After that came SM and, if he had to be honest, he was too focus on training to even thinking about dating. But CUBE, Pentagon, it was different. They had debuted, they were filled with work, dance practice, vocal couching and they manager was constantly on their asses, but Jinho felt like he had finally sorted his life out, that he had a house and a family that were also the best friends he had ever had.

He had already reached the point in which he had to start thinking about his life as more than singing, as more than eventually reaching a stage. Because he had already achieved what he had always wanted, but life is more than making a dream come true. Life is about accomplishing dreams all the time, because, if you stop dreaming, why are you living for?

Jinho cringed a little on his last thought, realizing it was kinda corny.

He sipped on his coke, thinking how fucked up he should be to think about something like that just because his band mates were close, **too** close. That thought brought him back to Hwitaek and Hyojong. What was about them? Sometimes, the oldest thought about asking them, but they all had decided they wouldn’t, it wasn’t their business after all.

Throwing his face down to the bed, he took his phone, trying to focus his mind on something that hasn’t anything to do with love, or well, romantic love. He went to fancafe and read some messages dedicated to him. Almost all of them wrote how much they care for him, how beautiful his voice was, how impressive was to see him live, how important he was. Even though they were messages from people he didn’t know, he couldn’t stop from feel better, because their fans had that power on them. They were strangers, faces and kind words, but they meant it. They always meant every single word they wrote, every single compliment, everything. And for Jinho to be that loved was almost incomprehensible and he thought that it may be like that for all of them. To suddenly have millions of people cheering, worrying and loving them felt almost like a dream.

He decided to ask.

 

 **From: Jinho  
** Hoseokkie, mind to come?

 **From: Seokkie**  
I’ll be there in 5. 

 

 _Well, that was fast_ he thought. And that was the thing that made Hongseok, Hongseok. He was always there for them, to hear them, to talk with them, the made them feel better. And Jinho liked that about him.

The younger didn’t knock the door, assuming that, if he had been called there, Jinho was waiting. And he was right. The small male was lying on his bed, checking something on his phone. He was wearing a plain white t-shirt and some lose pants, his pajamas.

“Hello hyung,” Hongseok greeted, sitting next to his friend’s chest, but not **too** close.

“Hi, hi,” the older answered, locking his phone and looking up.

Hongseok smiled. “What happened? Is something wrong?”

“Nope, just wanted to ask you something”

“Sure, what is it?”

And Jinho was going to start talking about the fans and the love they received but he didn’t. Instead, his earlier concerns stroke him again and he just said fuck it, Hongseok is the best person to talk about this kind of stuff.

“Have you ever been in love?”

Hongseok opened his eyes in surprise, not expecting this kind of question from Jinho. _Had Hyojong told him? Of course no, he will never do that to me. And I didn’t tell him about Jinho anyway, so there’s nothing to worry about._

“Em, no? I’m not sure. I’ve liked someone before, if that’s of use. I think liking someone is as far as I get.” _Do not ask about my current love life or I’m leaving, Jo Jinho._

The eldest shock his head. “I’m just, well, this is stupid, but I’ve never like someone that much to even think about dating, less than less love, and I was thinking about it. I’m 24, you know, I’m not that young anymore, but I finally feel like I have space on my mind to date, to love.”

Hongseok grabbed his chin and looked to the wall, reflecting and trying to hide his happiness. “Well, you’re not old at all. You’re barely two years older than me and that’s nothing, I’m practically still a kid. And I know you, I know how debuting has taking over your life, even more than mine, and that’s a lot. We both had always been on a rope hanging between two buildings. We have always being so close to achieve the other side, but falling just 5, 4 steps before we were safe and I’ve learned that I need to stop blaming myself for failing before and start acknowledging myself for making it this time. And so do you, hyung. We have finally debuted and, even though that doesn’t mean everything it’s done, everything its fine, it does give more stability to our lives. That been said, it also means that our minds are finally starting to worry about other things. Yours has found his new worry on love and so has mine. The important thing is not to stress about it, we’re hella young and we have time to find the answers we are starting to search for.”

Jinho nodded slowly while he processed everything Hongseok had just said. “I mean, you right, and I st-” He stopped suddenly, staring at Hongseok in awe. “You said “we”, didn’t you? You’re having trouble and I didn’t even realize. I’m the worst best friend on the universe,” he buried his face on his hand, but the younger just petted his back. _Well, if I’m stupid._

“Hyung, if we go that way, I didn’t realize either. But we’re not crappy best friends; we just have our heads filled with our own problems.”

 “But I want to know about yours too.”

Hongseok heart skipped a bit. _Oh shit, oh no. Stays still, don’t let him see through you._

“It’s okay, really.”

“But you’re important to me.”

_No, no, no, **no.** Can you not say those kinds of things so easily?_

“You’re important to me too.”

Jinho place the hands that previously cover his own face on his dongsaeng’s tight and he flinched, moving away a bit, just enough to break the contact.

“Would you talk to me?”

“About what?”

“Come on, Seokkie, talk to me.”

But Hongseok wasn’t sure he wanted to talk about it again and not with him, **especially** not with him. If he didn’t react the way Hyojong had, if he would be the one filling Jinho’s eyes with shame, with disgust… Only the thought of it made Hongseok press his eyes close. And that time was different. It was Jinho, not Hyojong; two different people to which he had two different kinds of feelings.

“Don’t you trust me?”

“Of course I do!” The younger almost shouted, standing up. He ran his fingers though his brown hair, pulling his fringe back. He walked from one side to the room to the other, delivering if he should scream at his hyung, tell him everything, cry, throw his down on the bed and kiss him or get the fuck out before thing got too messy.

“I just, I can’t.”

“You’re the second dongsaeng telling me this lately and it’s starting to get annoying. Why the fuck can you just talk to me? I know I’m not Hwitaek but, for fuck sake, I’m wise too! And, Hongseok, you asshole, I’m your fucking best friend!”

He had stud up too, blocking the way. It wasn’t the first time the younger was dealing with an angry Jinho, but he could tell by the amount of fucks he had used that he was **truly** angry. Hongseok stopped walking, but squeezed his hands shut. He was angry too.

“Don’t be stupid, hyung! Of course I trust you. But I’ve had this conversation with Hyojong not long ago and I don’t want to have it again.” _And not with you, it’s going way too far._

“SEE!? SEE HOW YOU WILL NEVER COME TO ME TO TALK? HOW I’M NEVER YOUR FIRST OPTION? IT FUCKING HURTS, HONGSEOK, BECAUSE YOU’RE MINE.”

He was screaming now and Hongseok **knew** he had to stop him, he had to tell him to lower his voice, but he was mad.

“OF COURSE YOU’RE MY FUCKING FIRST OPTION. YOU’RE **ALWAYS** MY FIRST OPTION, BUT NOT THIS TIME, NOT WITH THIS. CAN YOU UNDERSTAND I COULDN’T LIVE WITH THE THOUGHT THAT I HAVE DISSAPOINED YOU? CAN YOU UNDERSTAND YOU’RE TOO FUCKING IMPORTANT IN MY LIFE?”

And he was never this upset, he never cursed so much, but he was so stress about this that he just couldn’t contain it anymore.

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?”

The door swung open, revealing a very concern Hyojong and a very mad Hwitaek. “What is going on here?”

But sadly, Hongseok was too concentrated on his best friend to hear his leader’s words or to even realize they were there.

“I’M TALKING ABOUT THE FACT THAT I’M FUCKING GAY AND I THINK I HAVE A CRUSH ON YOU.”

He panted, staring at Jinho, who had dropped his mouth open to say something, but had closed it again. His face wasn’t filled of disgust, but it was of confusion.

Hongseok could felt a soft hand on his shoulder and, when he turned around, Hyojong was behind him, staring comprehensively. He nodded to the door, asking his roommate if he wanted to leave. He nodded back.

“Wai-” Jinho’s mouth was being covered by a hand before he noticed, making him jump a bit.

Hwitaek was standing in front of him, shaking his head. “Let him go, hyung.”

Jinho wasn’t sure if his leader was right, but when he shot him a warning look, he obeyed, sitting on his bed. Hwitaek sat beside him, staring.

“Are you okay?”

“No?” the word sounded more like a question. Jinho wasn’t sure what to think, what to do, how to respond. The person he wanted to ask advises for was the only person that couldn’t give it to him.

“You know, you were screaming to Hongseok earlier about how none of us talk to you. Well, I’m angry at you for the exact same thing. You **never** come to me when you have problems, or if you want to talk. Actually, you never come to me for anything.”

Jinho sighed, looking at his friend. His hair was too long, almost covering his eyes; his brown eyes, decorated by dark bags underneath them. He looked exhausted, but also alert, ready to jump and help a puppy off a tree.

“I’m sorry,” the older said, moving his own fridge of his eyes. “This may sound stupid, but you’re younger than me and still so much more stressed. I see you as a worried leader all the time; I don’t want to go fill you with my problems.”

“And that’s exactly what I want you to do,” he mouthed, passing his arm around Jinho’s back. “You’re my friend, Jo Jinho, and I want you to feel I’m here for you.”

“Okay, I will try.”

“You can start now, you know, it’s kind of a good situation to talk.”

Jinho almost laughed. “I don’t know what to do Hwi. I love him a lot, he’s my best friend, but I don’t know if I love him **that** way.”

“Well, first thing first hyung: let him know how you feel. Just like you’re talking to me, you can talk to him, you know that. But, I’ll have to be tomorrow, or even next week, maybe next month? You need to give him time to calm himself, but don’t be cold, don’t close him out. Give him some time; he needs to settle his own feelings before you can solve things. And, well, you need some time to clarify your own feelings toward him.”

Jinho nodded. “Yeah, you’re right,” and looking at him, smiling and punching his shoulder, he added. “You’re always right.”

Hwitaek laughed, shaking his head. “I’m not and, sometimes, I wish I wasn’t.”

 

When everyone else came back from their trip to the shop, the dorm was quiet.

 **Too** quiet

Shinwon gave his bags to Yuto, who groan something like “I hate you”, and went over Hwitaek’s door, knocking twice. But there was no answer. He stared back at Changgu, who also looked uneasy as he knocked on Jinho’s door. This time though, it opened, revealing the leader and the older member.

“You’re back!” Hwitaek said with a smile that didn’t reach his eyes.

“What’s going on?” Changgu asked before Shinwon could step next to him.

“Nothing,” Jinho answered too quickly.

The newcomers stared at each other, not buying it for shit but when Shinwon was about to question them again, Hongseok and Hyojong’s door swung open to slam back close. Hongseok had some cloths and a tower on his right arm and was staring to the floor. When Wooseok called him over, he was a meet with the shadow of a smile.

Shinwon realized how Jinho looked at the younger while almost crying and decided to ask Hwitaek about it to later. Changgu seemed to understand too, as he nodded to his friend and both flew back to unpacking the market’s bags.

The model-like boy lay on his bed when he finished, remembering he had his own unresolved problems.

First, he was sure Hyunggu didn’t know he knew he liked him.

Second, he wasn’t sure if he liked him too.

Third, he didn’t want to because it **terrified** him.

Fourth, he did want to because Hyunggu was so cute and sexy at the same time and he understood him well and he sometimes was a little brat that drove Shinwon mad but, at the end, they’ll just solve everything because they loved each other company.

**Love**

That was a strong word, a **way** to strong world Shinwon wasn’t sure he could fully understand. And, after thinking about it, his mind started to get filled with more question. What did Hyunggu really felt for him? Was it a simple crush? Was he only interested in him sexually? Was it love? Was he into him at all or had Wooseok lied?

Shinwon sighed, turning around and burying his face on his pillow. Why had he gone and talk with Wooseok that day? Why had he listened to him? Why had all this weird feelings suddenly awoken?

He could hear the door opening, a few steps, closing again. He knew it was Hyunggu, who else? It was their room.

The thought of him and his dongsaeng as “ **they** ” had never produced anything inside Shinwon’s stomach, but in that moment, it made him want to throw up. Why was he having all this weird feelings? Why? Why? Why?

“Goodnight, hyung.”

He had only spoken with his roommates when necessary after the bathroom incident. He had threatened him almost as normal, but not quite. He’ll prevent for them to be alone, waking up before him and going to sleep later. But those two words made him feel like a complete idiot. Why was he making his friend suffer when all that was **his** problem? Hyunggu had no fault of this, apart from being his usual self and making the taller boy go crazy.

Shinwon moaned, getting up his bed. The lights were off and he didn’t want to turn them on or he will lose the courage he had managed to gain. He stripped and then dressed a blue blouse and **almost** some pants but decided against it the last minute. He had let his eyes adjust to the dark that surrounded him so he could see, well not exactly see, his room.

He found Hyunggu’s bed without tripping over him and pulled the sheets up, startling his roommate. He lay down, wrapping him on a hug and he younger left out a cry.

“What are you doing?”

Shinwon murmured. “Trying.”

Hyunggu wanted to kick him off his bed. He hadn’t even talk to him lately and now this? What the hell was wrong with him? He wanted to punch him on the chest, telling him if he thought this was funny, playing with his feelings like this. But the Shinwon whispered again and he could felt his heart dropping.

“You’re messing with my head, Kang Hyunggu. I don’t even know what I feel anymore.”

He understood what he meant. Shinwon had done the same to him two years ago and it took all of him to realize that it was, in fact, love. He still remembered the moment in which he had accepted his own feelings and it ran through his head like a rabbit fleeing from a trap.

 

_He is sitting on the couch and Shinwon is there too, but he’s preparing something on the kitchen. They are the only ones on the dorm as they passed out after practice and the others decided to leave them behind to rest._

_Hyunggu extends his feet on top of the dinner table, dropping his head back, eyes closed and thinks about what had been bothering his lately. Shinwon. That’s what’s been bothering him. He can believe he actually has a crush on him, his tall and dumb roommates._

_A hot hand on his leg brings him back to reality. Said tall and dumb boy is looking at him softly and Hyunggu’s heart starts beating faster._

_“Are you alright? Still tired? If you are, you can sleep and I’ll heat this up for you later.”_

_“Nah, I’m fine, let’s eat.”_

_And they start eating, silent just interrupted by the music coming for the speakers. The meal is good, just as everything Shinwon does, and the younger boy drops his head on the other’s lap when he finish. The older has finished as well, so he stares down and smiles again. And so, Hyunggu realizes how much he loves Shinwon’s smile, because it doesn’t only take over his lip, but his whole face. He realizes how much he loves how Shinwon runs his fingers through his brown hair and makes him sleepy. He realizes how much he loves Shinwon’s soft voice saying his name._

_He realizes how much he **loves** Shinwon._

_He wants to snap his eyes open and run away, but he stays there, the boy he’s in love with running his fingers on his hair, saying his name and not realizing how much that means too him._

So, he hugged him back, not saying anything. Because that was the best think he had received from Shinwon in weeks and the most romantic and **real** he had received for him ever.

So there they were, lying next to each other and hugging. They breath were irregular, trying to adjust to the other’s. Hyunggu noticed that the older boy’s body was way larger than his. He had always known that he was shorter, but that made him aware of how small he actually was next to Shinwon. But he didn’t seem to care at all.

Shinwon smelled his friend’s red hair, which aroma remained him of something, but he wasn’t sure what it was. His arms, wrapped around Hyunggu’s back, tighten a bit; as if he was scared the younger would change his mind and tell him to go away or ask him to tall, to tell him what he felt. But he didn’t and Shinwon started closing his eyes, the tiredness finally reaching him. But he didn’t want to felt asleep, he wanted to enjoy Hyunggu’s presence so close to him. He wanted to tell him that; maybe, he was in love with him.

He felt the younger’s hand on his face and he could almost see him smiling, but not really because it was too dark.

“I know what you’re thinking and you don’t have to worry about it now, okay? We’ll talk tomorrow.”

“How can you be so calm?”

Hyunggu grinned and placed Shinwon’s hand on his heart. The beating was fast, rare and made the taller boy shiver. That’s was the thing about Hyunggu, he had full control over him, ever before he realized there was something more that friendship there.

He placed a kiss on top of the other’s forehead, finally answering “goodnight, Hyunggu.”

He felt asleep before he could hear a small “you are a mess” leave the younger’s lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so, isn't Shiwnon me? The answer is: yes, he is.
> 
> I'm such huidawn trash you have no idea how much I love them and how much time I spend talking about them (don't ask, it's just sad)
> 
> also, I imagine Jinho cursing a lot when he's angry, don't you? And Hongseok would slam lots of door lol
> 
> also 2, I used that title because Hwi talks about how Hyojong feels like home and Wonki hugs, I'm so creesy.


	4. Tell me, what is a life, if it is not shared?

“What are you doing?”

Wooseok was standing next to Yuto, who was lying on the couch, staring at his phone angrily.

“Wondering which is the best way the get rid of this crap. I was between smashing it against the wall or throwing it out of the window.”

The maknae looked at him as if he was crazy, but Yuto had been having problems with his phone for almost 3 months and that day, his Twitter app had gave up on him and stopped working. He wasn’t even joking; he couldn’t handle that piece of shit for another second without going insane.

“Aaaaanyway,” Wooseok said, trying to bring his friend back to reality and making him look up. “I’m going to bed, are you coming?”

That phrase was enough to bring hormonal Yuto back. He closed his eyes tightly, just as his fists. He was starting to get tired of this and, honestly, he didn’t want to have to speak with Hwitaek about it because it was so embarrassing he preferred to die before letting anyone know about his… lifting on unfortunate places and times problem. He breathed slowly, not taking too much time or his roommate would start asking question. Wooseok that little shit. He was the other half of that problem but Yuto’s desire to tell him how he turned him on was the lowest number known.

“Nope, I was going to watch a movie, you can go without me.”

“Oh, movie night? I’m in,” the younger stated, putting off the lights and dropping his weight next to the Japanese boy on the sofa and smiling, waiting for him too chose a film.

Yuto exhaled, giving up. He turned their TV on, searching directly for the Netflix option. They had only four profiles: ‘Hyungs’, which included Hyojong, Hwitaek and Shinwon; ‘Hyungs 2’, Jinho and Hongseok; ‘Yanone’ that was obviously Yanan and Changgu’s one and ‘Maknaes’ that belonged to him, Wooseok and Hyunggu. He chose the last profile and waited for it to load. He could felt the maknaes presence next to him and, like never, he wanted to cry. This thing was getting out of control, seriously.

“Let’s watch ‘Now You See Me’ please.”

“We watched it for the two hundredth time the other day! At least switch to the second one, Seokkie,” the pet name escaped his lips before he could stop himself and Wooseok pulled closer, as if it was a permit. Yuto had been cold to him lately, barely speaking, avoiding him and not even sleeping on their room. And he was tired of it; he missed his best friend. Resting an innocent head on his hyung’s shoulder, Wooseok saw as the other boy typed the title of the movie on the search bar. It was nice, being able to spend time together again, without filling as he was a load, a bother.

The movie started and the voices of the actors, joined by the music and special effects, buried Yuto’s heavy breathing. Wooseok was just too close all the time lately, even when he wasn’t around. He could always feel him, being aware of his breathing, his smell, everything. Yuto was starting to think he was a creep. And maybe he was. Because he had realized that he wasn’t just hormonal, he was hormonal when it came to his best friend. He had the urge to kiss him, to touch him, to be touched. He wanted to pin him down, shoving his tongue into the younger mouths, his hand on his pants. No, danger, boy, don’t do that. It was the worst train of thought he could be having right now, as Wooseok was way too close to him, not only being able to listen and see, but also to feel everything.

The younger slid a hand on Yuto’s thigh and the Japanese bit down a groan. The touch was a normal thing between them, it had always been, but he was avoiding it for a reason recently and Wooseok was going to find out why. He turned his head enough to steal a look at his friend’s face. Yuto was biting his lower lip strongly, staring directly at the screen. It almost seem as he was ignoring Wooseok again, but he wasn’t sure. He pulled his hand a little bit up, he himself wasn’t sure why, and the older boy closed his eyes, releasing air from his nose, so quiet that, if Wooseok hadn’t been completely focusing on him, he wouldn’t have notice. He looked down, to Yuto's chest, how it was going up and down way too quickly and then in between his legs. He had grown big and the younger couldn’t ignore that he was obviously the reason why. He guessed he should had felt disgusted or, at least, shock. But he could only feel pride, as if turning his best friend on was something amazing. And then it stroke him that yes, it felt kinda amazing. He slid his hand even higher, reaching for Yuto’s erection.

His best friend’s eyes opened suddenly. “Wooseok, what-”

But the younger didn’t let him finish. He leaned against him, pressing a soft kiss on his lips. At first, Yuto didn’t move at all but, when the taller boy pulled back, he licked his lower lip and grabbed him by the nape, being he the one kissing this time.

Unlike Wooseok’s, Yuto’s kiss was strong, needy, making teeth crash and his tongue pushed itself on the younger’s mouth, not like he had put up any resistance. He had never felt like this before, aroused, filled, and hot. Wooseok wasn’t usually very hormonal, but the Japanese boy was making every milliliter of his blood run quickly down, making him almost entirely hard when Yuto pulled apart. They stared at each other for a second, almost as if they were thinking what the actual fuck they were doing, but the older stretch his legs on the couch, making Wooseok position both of his knees on the side of the shorter’s hips and thought ‘fuck thinking’.

They kissed again, on a more comfortable position this time. Wooseok neck wasn’t hurting for leaning over and that was enough for him. Yuto was sagged beside him and had placed both of his hands on the younger’s back. Deciding to push farer, he guided his right hand under Wooseok’s t-shirt, making slow contact with his skin. It was hot, **really** hot, just like his own, and the younger shivered, moaning quietly and Yuto just lose it. The hand that had previously being left on the other’s back was also under his shirt, exploring everywhere he could. Wooseok was probably being too loud but the grey haired boy couldn’t stop.

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

It was rare for Jinho to swear in front of the youngers, so Yuto almost dropped the maknae on the floor. The older grabbed Wooseok’s by his hips, preventing the crash. Their smallest hyung was staring at their direction, rubbing his eyes and sighing. Yuto’s world felt apart. **This** was exactly what he wanted to avoid, the look of disappointment on any of his hyung’s faces. He didn’t want them to think he was a poor needy idiot that took advantage of their younger to get laid.

“If any of you even consider moving a muscle out of this room,” Jinho said, finally taking his hand of his face, “I, myself, am going to stick my hand on your asses. Now, Wooseok, get of Yuto, we need to talk. Wait,” he looked at his door and back to them. “My room would actually be a better place to discuss this. Now, up.”

Both maknaes stud up slowly, not looking at each other, only staring at the floor. They entered their oldest hyung’s bedroom filled with embarrassment; the things that were about to do started to strike them. Yuto was seconds away of shoving his hand into his best friend’s pants. Who could he look at himself on the mirror again? Answer: he just couldn’t, it was too much, he was a mess and Wooseok didn’t deserve his messy mouth on top of his. It was his best friend who was also involved now and it was all his fault, because he couldn’t keep it on his pants.

Jinho closed the door. His expression had softened and Yuto realized he hadn’t seen disappointment on his face, just concern.

“Before I asked anything, I’m pretty sure this was the first time you two had done this, it’s written all over your faces. Now, stop being embarrassed, sex is normal and sex between guys is also completely normal, more than anywhere in this house, I’m sure. I’m also sure you haven’t had done it before, but you were close. Do you know why I stopped you?”

“Because you were disgusted?” Wooseok tried, earning a hurt look and a denial movement from his hyung.

“Of course no, Wooseokkie. I’m sure almost half of us will prefer to suck a dick before getting lay with a cute girl,” the maknaes shuddered and Jinho decided to go with a softer language. “It was because having sex with another guy hurts a lot and it’s dangerous, so I wanted to talk with you before you do anything.”

“I don’t think we,” Wooseok swallowed his shame and started again. “I don’t think we would have gotten that far.”

His hyung smirked. “That’s what you say now, but in the hot of the moment, you get carried away. Don’t you, Yuto?” The other boy stared down, hugging himself. “I’m not mad at you so please stop looking so miserable. I love you, no matter what. The question is what do you two fell?”

Yuto finally looked up to meet Wooseok eyes. They had being growing apart lately, but that didn’t mean they didn’t know each other anymore. He could read his best friend's face and nodded. “It’s not love. Well, not that kind of love.”

Jinho hummed in agreement. “So, you’re telling me this is merely physical?”

“Not exactly,” Wooseok added. “It’s, strange? I’m not sure what this is and I think nether does Yuto-hyung.”

It shocked Jinho that the maknae chose that moment to call Yuto his ‘hyung’. It’s not like he never did it, but it wasn’t something he didn’t all the time either. Nobody was sure what determined the right moment for Wooseok to use it, but it never seemed to be for a special reason. Maybe it was something that came for his heart. Maybe he used it when he wanted to expressed how much he loved him or how important he was to him. He decided to leave those thoughts on his head.

“Okay, so let’s talk about it this way: you feel something for each other, obviously romantic or at least attraction because I caught you in the middle of impaling the other’s mouth with your tongues. That doesn’t have to be love, not now, maybe not ever. But also think about this: we’re a family now and your actions affect us too. If you decided that you don’t wanna do this after all or, worst, if one of you decides that this is not what you want, the thing is going to be awkward for all of us, but more than anything, for you. So, please, think about this carefully. If you decide to try this out, whoever is topping go talk to Hyojong, okay? He’ll be more useful than me.”

They both nodded, thanking his hyung and stud up to leave the room. Jinho screamed ‘I’m being serious’ from his bed when Yuto closed the door behind him. They walked to their own bedroom, not looking at each other but near enough that stretching a hand would have been all it took to reach the other. After Wooseok closed their door and Yuto sat on his bed, the maknae sat next to him.

“What is this?”

“Honestly,” he ran his hand through his hair, pulling his grey bangs off his forehead. “I have no clue.”

“This is the reason why you have been so distant to me recently, isn’t it?”

“It is.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Wooseok had rested his head on his roommates crossed legs.

“I was scared? That you will think I’m disgusting and never talk to me again.”

“Why would you think that!? I’m your best friend,” the taller boy protested, changing Yuto’s face into a smile and putting his hands down to stop him for screaming.

Yuto was actually thinking about that. Wooseok was, indeed, his best friend and maybe that was **exactly** the reason he had been so scared to tell him. He had had a person this close to him ones and he didn’t want to start feeling alone again. Even though he had a family in Korea now, the maknae was special to him, **too** special. Just the thought of not having him around to put up with his shitty personality had been enough to stop him for speaking. What have he learned after all his years? Talking is always the best way of preventing angst.

Yuto slid his fingers through Wooseok’s hair. “I know, and you’re very important to me. I’ll tell you we should talk about our ‘situation’ now, but I’m way too tired.”

“Me too,” the younger had closed his eyes, falling into the pleasure of his roommate’s finger on his hair. “What do you say if we start trying this thing out and we share a bed tonight?”

“Count me in.”

 

Yanan was taking a thoughtful shower when Changgu crossed his mind. What the hell was he going to do about **that** issue? He wished he could answer that. Everything was fine and then one day he had felt in love. Well, not exactly like that. And not exactly love, at that moment at least. Yanan had found in his best friend all the things he never knew he needed. Not only a friend, but a companion, a teacher, a brother and, he was hoping, a lover.

He had thought that falling for Changgu was going to be painful, embarrassing, he’ll feel stupid and lonely. But it hadn’t been like that. Falling in love had been slowly and delightful. He, of course, knew that his feelings weren’t mutual, but it didn’t mean it was always going to be like that. Just like his feelings had changed, so could his roommate's.

Or maybe it had already started.

If the Chinese boy was good at something, that was reading people. He, as a shy person, had developed over the years the ability of understanding other humans without the need of them talking. He had notice how Yuto was avoiding Wooseok, how Jinho wouldn’t stop looking at Hongseok with hopeful eyes while the other one will run away, how Hyunggu seemed less angry and Shinwon more lovely and how Hyojong was suffering a little. But, of course, he had also realize how Changgu would escape to their company’s building and come back after hours, how he will look a bit uncomfortable when talking to Yanan and how he seemed distracted all the time, forgetting things he had done or he needed to do. But all that could also been him trying too hard, looking for hope, seeing thing when there was nothing. Even though Hwitaek was the dumbest when it came to love, he was still his leader and talking to him was the best option he had.

After he finished his shower, he put on a fluffy sweater he had decided to wear because it was getting hotter but not enough to go around wearing just a shirt and headed to Hwitaek’s room. The door was closed, as usual. He wasn’t surprised, they all usually had them closed, it was a thing. He knocked ones, twice, until he realized the leader wasn’t there. Well, that was strange, he usually spent his free time in his room, listening to music, sleeping, reading a book, it depended on his mood.

Yanan headed to the kitchen to get some water when he saw a blonde scull popping out of the fridge. Hwitaek wasn’t the best cooker, but he wasn’t bad either; he was just average. Hongseok had always been the cooker of the dorm, that wasn’t a question. His cooking was one of the best the Chinese boy had ever had.

“Hwitaek-hyung”

The latter smacked his head with the top of the refrigerator, he wasn’t as careful as Shinwon. “Yannie, hi, how are you? Did you need something?”

The taller boy twisted his head right a little. “I don’t want to be disrespectful but I think you’re the one that needs help right now.”

Hwitaek laughed a bit, putting down the cold water on the counter. “I would feel disrespected if you weren’t so right. The thing is, I was thinking on doing this Argentinian dish my mum talked about because it looks **amazing** but then I realize I need like twenty hundred things I don’t have and I almost cried,” he emphasized the last world pouting.

Now Yanan was the one laughing. It was rare to see his hyung acting his age or even younger. That usually happened when he was with Hyojong, but this was the first for Yanan, who suddenly remembered he was only 3 years younger than their leader, it wasn’t much.

“Can you show it to me hyung?”

Hwitaek finished filling two glasses with water and gave one to Yanan, joined by his phone. On the screen there was a picture of a weird stew that didn’t look **that** amazing too him. It was almost entirely yellow, with some strange meat and green onion on top. The older indicated him to keep moving, so he went left, the previous picture disappearing and revealing a new one in which the food looked a lot better. Maybe it was because of the photo’s quality? He wasn’t sure.

“It looks interesting, I’m curious now.”

“Well, you shouldn’t,” the leader confirmed, leaving his glass back on the counter. “When I looked up for a recipe it was all in Spanish and when I finally managed to find one in English I just,” he placed both palms on the side of his forehead and closed his eyes. “What the fuck even is a ‘chorizo’? I’m stressed over this, I really want to know.”

Yanan broke into laugher; the whole situation was just too funny. He gave Hwitaek his phone back and took out his own, changing his keyboard to English and typing ‘chorizo’ on the Google search bar. Exactly 25,900,000 results, damn. He read the English description and translated it, or tried, to Korean for the leader to understand. He also turned his phone around, revealing a picture.

“The magic of the internet, hyung”

“That looks disgusting but incredible at the same time; I’m having an internal war.”

Yanan giggled again, shaking his head. He had almost forgotten why he had gone there and he liked that. He didn’t spend a lot of time with Hwitaek, but he was a good friend that could always lift his spirit. And that was one of the reasons that made him a good leader, which was something that had also been worrying the taller boy lately.

“Hyung, can I ask you something?”

“Sure, I guessed you have come because of that.”

“I do have a question about myself but, right now, I’m more worried about you.”

Hwitaek took a sit on top of the counter, almost knocking the glass. He looked confused but also relief, as if Yanan words were nice. They were.

“About me?”

“Yes. You’re always caring for us, scolding us and protecting us. You’re an amazing leader but I’m not sure you’re that certain about that.”

The shorter male sighed, making circles with his neck. It had been hurting a lot since last week and he didn’t want to have to go to the hospital. When he settled his head again, he brushed it with a hand.

“I am. I mean, I don’t want to sound egocentric but Hyojong haven’t stop saying it since he notice I was kinda insecure. And I know how you all think I’m a great leader now because you literally say it all the time. But I feel like my problem has evolved? It’s stupid.”

“It’s not! You can talk to me, if you want, of course.”

“Now that I’m sure I’m a good leader, I can only feel like that, like I’m a leader for you. Like you come and talk to me and I go and scolded you but not the ten see me also as a friend. I don’t want to be just your guidance, I want for you to feel like I’m walking next to you and no in front of you. I don’t know Yanan, I told you, it’s stupid.”

The younger boy walked into his hyung’s direction, catching him on a hug. Like Hwitaek was sitting on the surface, it was actually easier for him to be hugged, as their height difference was reduced. It was strange, everything about Yanan was big: his arms, his chest, all of it. But, at the same time, his hug was soft and sweet, wrapping his arms around the older carefully.

“Of course you’re our friend hyung, we love you. We don’t go talk to you ONLY because you’re a good leader; we go talk to you because you’re a good friend with incredible advices. You always seem to be right, which make us feel safe when making decisions.”

Hwitaek buried his face on the younger’s neck. Yanan **always** smelled amazing, it was his think. “Thank you. I’m feeling like such a bother lately, being unsure about everything, complaining all the time.”

“I was actually scared,” the Chinese boy said, pulling apart. “You have so much weight on your shoulders and never complain about anything, for a moment I thought you were a robot or something.”

They both laughed until someone crossed the doorway. Hongseok looked dead, legit dead. He had black bags under his eyes, which looked tired and sad. He seemed miserable and Yanan was dying to know what had happened between him and Jinho but he obviously wasn’t going to ask any of the two involved because they wouldn’t have said a word and his other hyungs weren’t going to betray them. Hongseok sat next to their leader, taking the glass of water Yanan had left before and drinking a bit.

“Please tell me you know about some magic Chinese medicine that would help me sleep,” his voice sounded as exhausted as he looked and the younger started worrying even more.

“He doesn’t,” Hwitaek answered on his place, not waiting for Yanan to reveal that he actually did. “But I do. It’s called ‘talk with Jinho before you go insane’. I’m serious, you’re making all of us concerned.”

Hongseok moaned in pain, rubbing his eyes with a hand. “I’ll probably end up screaming at him again, I still need to calm myself and figure out my feelings completely.”

 _Oh._ So that was what had happened. Yanan should have imagined it, but he didn’t like assuming things, less than less when it came to his band mates. He felt as he wasn’t supposed to be there, so he turned around, walking to the door.

“You don’t have to go, Yananie,” Hongseok voice was sweet, his usual mom voice, and the taller boy relaxed. “You are my friend and also live here, so you have the right to know what’s going on.”

“It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it hyung,” he said, but turned around.

“I’m gay.”

“Me too,” the taller boy said, without hesitation.

Hwitaek lifted his head, looking surprised but Hongseok shock his head, almost as he hasn’t heard him.

“And I’ve a crush on Jinho.”

“I’m in love with Changgu-hyung.”

Well, that made the red haired stared up. Hongseok opened his eyes wildly and Yanan could see the gears on his brain working quickly. He laughed.

“Yeah, I do. And it’s actually pretty strange none of you had notice; I look at him as if he was the eighth wonder of the world.”

Hwitaek couldn’t stop himself for laughing off the kitchen counter, making the other to bend on top on him, looking between worried and about to giggle.

“I’m sorry it’s just that, our group is so gay oh God I love us.”

Hongseok and Yanan started at each other. “I mean us and obviously Hyunggu because he’s practically fucking Shinwon with his eyes 24/7, but 3 out of 10 it’s not that much.”

Hwitaek stud back up, raising an eyebrow at them. “You didn’t really think I was straight, did you?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello, I'm back!!
> 
> I actually wanted to upload this earlier but I'm writing my two best friends two different fanfics too so it took me longer that I wanted to.
> 
> Also, happy international women day!! 
> 
> Also 2, Hwiatek is talking about Locro, google it, it's amazing.  
> Also 3, my bts cd arrived today and I cried. Nothing, just wanted to share that.
> 
> Also 3, B.A.P, ROMEO, GFRIEND, DAY6 AND BTOB'S COMABACKS GOT ME SHOOK™
> 
> Also 4, GO. LISTEN. TO. BLANC7. They're amazing and I already love them ups.
> 
> Also 5, let me know if I should upload my punk!Yuto x pastel!Shinwon ones I finished it. It's already like 9k and I think it's good but I'm also sure it's crappy... I'm complicated. 
> 
> Also 6, I always get SO scared when writing Wooyu smut, I think someone it's gonna get mad at me but weeeeeeeell, that's that.
> 
> I need to stop ranting omg, bye~


	5. I'd do it all again, I think you're my best friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> friendship is more important than love

Was Jinho desperate? Probably yes.

At first, he was sad. Then, he was depressed. Now, he was a disaster. He hadn’t spoken with Hongseok in two entire weeks and he felt as if he was going insane. The fact that, exactly three days ago, his best friend had come back for CUBE’s building with light brown hair wasn’t helping him either.

At first, he had watched Hongseok from time to time to make sure the other boy still looked healthy, or at least alive. Then, he had started looking at him because he realized how perfect his skin was, how sweet his gaze was toward the members, how perfectly his hair shined under the sun light. Now, he had decided, he was the exact representation of the phrase ‘you don’t know what you have until you lose it’. Jinho had always considered Hongseok as the most handsome member on the band, although Shinwon was close, but he had never stopped to think _Hey, does he make my dick twitch and my heart skip? Do I like him enough to date?_ In fact, he had never stopped to think about any of his band mates as more than that, his band mates.

Wooseok to Yuto were a strong **no.** Not only were they too into each other, but they seemed way too young for his eyes. Wooseok was like a little brother, hanging around him annoyingly but sweetly; his tall little baby who was, probably, fucking his Japanese little baby. Then there was Hyunggu, the dongsaeng he was the closest with. He had a lot of good traits: he was talented, caring and sometimes wore that bothered expression that made Jinho giggle. But that was about it. They usually spent a lot of time together, helping each other with dancing and singing and Hyunggu talked to him about a lot of stuff that were on his mind, never about Shinwon though. Jinho loved him, but as a close friend, nothing more. Yanan was just Yanan, he could never date him because he was **Yanan** ; too sweet, too shy. Changgu was really attractive and his positive personality made the oldest happy, but not happy enough to be something that drawn him into the younger. Shinwon and Hyojong were amazing friends, each one had his own special way of listening and making him laugh, but they have never really caught his attention. Hwitaek was a complete **no** without having to think about it. It’s not that Jinho didn’t found him handsome, it just that their personalities matched just to be friends, because they fell out all the time about stupid stuff. But Hongseok, that was another story. Even though a lot of the things Jinho had discovered, in the past week, he liked on him were shared with the other members, they made him feel different. Hongseok was a lot of things and Jinho liked them all.

But, at the same time, he was scared that these feelings weren’t real, that he was trying to convince himself that he liked Hongseok so they could fix their issues and be friends again. Well, not exactly **friends** if they decided they like each other but that wasn’t the point. He was scared of hurting him if they made up and he realized that he, indeed, wasn’t into his best friend. He wouldn’t be able to forgive himself if that happened. So, Hongseok was avoiding him and he wasn’t trying to stop him, what a coward.

He was lying on his bed, wondering if he should eat lunch and stare at a sad Hongseok for an hour or just stay there when his door opened.

“Hwi, I’m not hungry.”

“Bullshit, you’re always hungry.”

Hongseok voice was little but made Jinho jump anyway. He looked like when they first met: small and uncomfortable. He had his eyes on the floor, his light hair was messy and he was already on his pajamas at 1pm. Jinho’s heart wanted to run off his chest and hug the younger boy until he smiled again.

“Hongseok-”

“Jinho-hyung-”

They spoke at the same time and just stared at each other. Jinho knew neither of them was completely sure what to say but, at the same time, he knew his best friend had a clearer idea than him on how to start.

“Okay, I want to say that I’m sorry. It was stupid of me to ignore you for two weeks. Well, it was actually stupid of me to scream at you. I was susceptible and I’ve been for a while. I was scared you had brought that topic up and that you’ll ask about me. You did and I just panicked. You’re my best friend and I really want to have you back on my life, unless you find the fact that I like you uncomfortable because then I don’t know what the fuck to do.”

It took Jinho exactly two seconds to stand up and hug his best friend. Hongseok didn’t seem surprised, he didn’t jump back; he just hugged back because that was who they were: they hugged each other all the time; they loved the skinship, the contact and the heat from the other’s body. Jinho hadn’t realized how **much** he had missed it. He had missed Hongseok, his smile, his voice, his lame jokes, his concern looks and his company. But he hadn’t thought about how much he had miss his touch, his arms, his chest, hearing his fast heartbeat and his low breathe. He missed everything about him and he wasn’t letting him go.

“T _a ma de Seokkie, wo hen xiangnian ni!_ ” Jinho spoke before realizing he had changed languages. He sometimes did that, started speaking Korean and ended the sentence in English or Chinese.

“ _Wo ye hen xiangnian ni,_ ” Hongseok answered, hugging his hyung tighter. The last days have been torture for him, not being able to be around his favorite person. The younger knew that a friendship wasn’t what he wanted, he had come in terms with his own feeling and he had understood that he **really** like Jinho. He wanted to hug him like that for the rest of his life, silently promising that he was going to protect him and be his support. He decided not to say that, pulling apart a bit to kiss the shorter’s head. “We need to go have lunch, I’m sure the guy already started without us, those fuckers.”

He tried to turn around but Jinho caught his arm with one of his small hands. “Wait,” he seemed a bit frustrated so Hongseok smiled.

“I’m not ignoring you again, okay? Just hungry”

“It’s not that,” the older say, not letting go of his arm. Hongseok fixed him with a surprised expression, lifting one eyebrow curiously. “I, mm, I’ve also been thinking about my feelings this past week.”

The younger’s heart skipped a beat. _Did I hear that correctly?_ Oh yes, he had. Jinho had been thinking about their relationship as well and he shouldn’t be so surprise. He had spent most of his time thinking about himself that he had forgotten this was a two-player game.

“You did?”

“Yeah,” Jinho bit his lower lip, trying to decide how express his thoughts. “Okay, I don’t want to hurt you,” Hongseok looked down, knowing what he was going to say next, “but I’m not 100% sure I like you, maybe a 60%? I’m just… I’m confused? I don’t wanna go and tell you I like you, that is exactly what I’m think right now, and then back off because I just missed you and was trying to make you happy. Do you follow me?” The younger just nodded; too shocked he hadn’t been entirely rejected. “So, do you think we can, you know, go slow and try a few things out? And of course, I ask you time on your company again to try to understand what I feel.”

“Sure,” Hongseok stated sure of his words but still a bit hurt. Maybe it’d be complicated, but it’d be better than thinking he was loved on a romantic way and then Jinho realizing he didn’t really like him like that. “Now, can we eat?”

“Wait,” the shorter said again and Hongseok sighed, he was truly hungry. Jinho lifted his feet, standing on his toes and reaching for the taller’s lips, who wasn’t expecting for him to do that. The kissed lasted barely a second but when Jinho pulled away, nodding and dragging both of them to the kitchen, the younger exhaled.

_I’m so fucked._

 

Shinwon was lying on the couch with Hyunggu on his lap, slipping his fingers though the younger’s blue hair. They had finished eating, not before exchanging some surprised looks when Jinho and Hongseok arrived to the table together, the latest red as a tomato.

Red

Shinwon thought about that. He wanted red hair **so** bad, but when he’d asked their manager, he had said he’ll have to wait until their next promotion. He didn’t want to wait, because it had been a while since he had started thinking about dying his hair, but he wasn’t going to disobey and bring all of them problems because he was an impatient bitch.

He was so immersed on his thoughts he didn’t realize Changgu had taken a sit until he spoke. “Hey”

Hyunggu lifted his body up, resting on his elbows to stare at the older boy. “Hi hyung”

“So, are you two finally dating?”

Shinwon closed his eyes a little, a smile appearing on his lips, and nodded. He wasn’t the first one to ask them, as the maknaes couldn’t resist anymore and had also questioned them that morning. The black haired smile as well and then stared at the floor, resting his head on his palms. He seemed conflicted and Shinwon looked at his boyfriends, who just pointed at their friend with his eyes, letting the older know he should ask.

“Changgu, are you okay?”

“What? Oh, yeah, I’m fine,” he answered and the other two knew perfectly he was lying. Hyunggu shoot him a quick look and stud up, saying “bye” with his right hand. Shinwon was confused until his phone buzzed

 

**From: Hyunggu** **♡** _  
Take him somewhere. Even if he doesn’t wanna talk, he needs a distraction._

 

Shinwon grinned at his phone like an idiot but also carefully, in case Changgu could see him.

 

 **From: Shinwon**  
_How are you so intelligent? I’m the older here. God, I love you._

 

He realized too late what he had just said.

 

 **From: Hyunggu** **♡**  
_When you come back, you’re saying that to my face or I swear to God I’ll kick you on the nuts._

 

After shoving his cell on his pocket, he stud up, staring at Changgu, who hadn’t changed his position and wasn’t even looking at him. Without a warning, he pulled him up by the shoulder, dragging both of them to the entrance and shouting “we’ll be back in an hour”, to which Hwitaek simply answered “dress warmly” from the kitchen.

It was still cold outside, so he wore his beige coat while his friend put on a black jacket. They didn’t need to say where they were going, because there was only one place to go. At the end of the street, around a year ago, a cute and sweet old couple had decided to open a café. It was like those you see on animes, small, cozy and usually pretty empty. It seemed like only the people from the neighborhood knew about it existence, which made it the perfect place for Pentagon to escape to when they didn’t want to be at the dorm.

Shinwon used to go a lot with Hwitaek but lately he had been too busy and too stress, spending almost all of his free time sleeping on top of Hyojong’s lap. They were all really worried about him, as he had also got skinnier and black bags under his eyes were now a normal thing. The brunette kept repeating himself that it was normal because he was the leader and of course he had more stress that the rest of them, but he still couldn’t bring himself to calm down. When they entered the shop, he decided he’ll take his hyung there soon, no matter if he had to drag him out of the studio.

There were two tables already taken. In one, a small family of which Shinwon had seen the youngers play on the street was having some late lunch, while in the other, a couple he had never seen before was arguing. Well, he at least **thought** they were, as she seemed pretty angry, gesturing a lot with her hands and he was staring down, not answering at all.

They took a set on the back, next to a window. The table was decorated with a cute vase filled, almost too full, with some cute white flowers that smelled amazing. The waitress, that was also the old lady who owned the bar, gave them two menus and a sweet smile.

“Why are we here, hyung?” Changgu asked after deciding he was having some hot chocolate and a blueberry muffin.

Shinwon ignored him, still reading. When he finally put it down, he also turned around and called their waitress. They ordered and, after a “how have you two been?” and “is your oldest hyung eating well? He’s still too small” she left.

“We,” Shinwon said, resting his back on the small couch and putting both hands on his neck, “are hanging out because you look like shit and probably feel like shit.”

“I told you I’m fine.”

“And a month ago I told Wooseok I was straight. People lie, Changgu. Now, if you don’t want to talk about what it’s bothering you, don’t. But I’m here for you, we’re friends. I didn’t took you out to make you talk about it, I took you out so we could talk about anything, okay? That’s what friends do, they talk, they complain about Jinho’s attitude, about Hongseok’s empanadas and about how Wooyu’s room is next to mine and I haven’t been able to sleep for a few days, too scared to wake up to some noises I’m not ready to hear them doing, not now, not ever.

Changgu giggle. “Oh yeah, good luck with that,” and then he remembered that he wasn’t alone.

A t few weeks ago, when the strange sensation on his stomach had started he had, also started feeling lonely. He couldn’t talk about it with Hwitaek because the guy looked like he was dying and he didn’t want to add another worry to his bag. And then, at the exact same moment he decided that Hongseok was the right person to speak to, his fight with Jinho had started, discarding his other two options. He wasn’t talking about this with Yanan because, for some reason, he didn’t feel comfortable to. But Shinwon had never crossed his mind and he blushed in embarrassment. He loved his hyung, but he didn’t seem like the type to help you solve your problems. Changgu was obviously wrong and he started feeling really bad about it when they food arrived. His muffin was huge, just as Shinwon’s coffee.

“I’m sorry.”

“About what?” he asked, already sipping on his completely black drink. A thing Changgu would never be able to do and drink coffee without sugar.

“I was stress about this thing and never even considered you as an option to help me,” he stated, rubbing his eyes a little before taking a bit from his cake (it was delicious, 10/10). “And, just like you said, we’re friends; well, we’re more like brothers if I’m honest.”

Shinwon smiled at his dongsaeng’s words. “Don’t worry, I get you. I’m pretty shitty when it comes to social interaction and this was actually Hyunggu’s idea, you know. I don’t give the vibe of being really useful, but I’m a good listener,” he winked. “I’m also good at distractions.”

Changgu laughed, leaning forward and hitting the older’s forehead with his fingers. “Shush, if Hyunggu hears you, he’s going to beat your ass.”

Shinwon giggled, putting down his cup. “I know, it’s just old habit, you know? And, even then, it had always been a joke. I’ve been a flirty idiot since I can remember, but I’ve never actually meant it. It’s my way to hide my shy self, I guess?”

Changgu nodded, pulling back. He was also like that, with smiles instead of compliments.

“But I love Hyunggu so,” he shrugged and the younger almost dropped his cup. “What?” Shinwon smirked.

“I-I, em, well,” the black haired scratched the back of his neck, “I knew you liked him, I didn’t know it was so strong.”

“Oh, well, it is,” he said, sipping a bit of coffee and putting a thoughtful expression, grabbing his chin with his hand. “At first, I was so confused and scared but then I though “boy, fuck it” and went for it. I was so blind like, really? How is that none of you told me about his feelings? Don’t answer that,” he cut the other when he opened his mouth. “But he drives me insane, you know? I’d never felt like this before now and I hope the way he makes my stomach flip never end. Also, don’t tell him this, he’ll tease me forever.”

Changgu smiled, nodding and finishing his cocoa. Of course, he had been in love before, well, not **in** love, but he had really like a girl he had dated and he knew what Shinwon was talking about. But he also felt a lot of fear when his hyung mentioned stomachs flipping and Yanan was the first one to invade his mind.

After talking a bit more about music and some really good TV shown Changgu was watching (‘I tell you, hyung, it’s just too much! This kid got murdered and the whole town went insane and oh my god, the parents on this show are crap’), they paid or, better said, Shinwon paid, saying that he had been the one dragging them there and making the younger promise he’ll invite next time. When they walked out it was already evening and the sun was almost gone, reviling a really cold night. They were freezing on their coats, so they hurried back to the dorm, knowing something was wrong before even opening the door.

 

“Jinho-hyung, please stop screaming!” Hyunggu said from the couch when the door opened and the two that were gone arrived. He jumped, reaching for his boyfriend and hugged him. “We’ll find a way to make this disappear!”

He could tell Shinwon was as confused as Changgu, how looked around while taking of his jacket, expecting for an explanation. When he caught a worried Yanan with his eyes, he turned around. Hyojong put his phone up, showing his the screen. There was a picture of the two of them on the shop, smiling while Changgu was hitting Shinwon head joined by the caption:

 **@shiningchaggu**  
_“Can we talk about the fact that changwon was on a date this afternoon?”_

Changgu took the phone and his hyung told him to scroll down. He froze.

 

 **@shiningchaggu**  
 “ _Shinwon told him while smirking ‘I’m also good at distractions’ Ｏ(_ _≧∇≦)Ｏ my otp is sailing guys omg they are so cute_ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiiiii
> 
> I was suppost to upload this a few days ago but while I was editing it, I lost my progress when I was almost done, I flipped and decided to do it later.
> 
> First: In case you are like "Palo, wtf is an empanada?" well, my friend, it's the best thing you could ever eat so go and look for a place that sell them, it'll change your life.
> 
> Second: I love Changgu and Shinwon's scene at the coffee shop, it's just TOO nice, I loved writing it.
> 
> Third: I'm sorry it took me so long to update, I was also REALLY sick.
> 
> Okay, bye bye~


	6. One man's problem is his friend's problem

“Can I ask what truly happened?”

Hwitaek’s voice wasn’t angry, he sounded more tired than anything else. Hyojong slowly placed a hand on his back, reassuring him. Everyone saw it, everyone ignored it.

“We were having a chat and I joked, I always joke, you know that.”

“We do,” Jinho smirked. “But the fans don’t, big boy.”

Shinwon pretend to gag on the nickname and Hwitaek relaxed a bit. If the taller boy had to be honest, he felt worse for their leader than from Yanan, who was looking at him with fire on his eyes. He shrugged, biting his tongue a bit and apologizing with his eyes. Then he looked down to the person that worried him the most.

Hyunggu was still hugging him, grabbing his chest very tightly. I was hurting him a bit, but given the situation, he didn’t say anything. He moved his face to reach to his boyfriend’s ear.

“You know I was just joking, right?” Hyunggu nodded, his face was buried on the taller’s chest. “I love you.”

He could feel how the purple haired tensed on his arms, but he could also feel his smile, his heart racing and his breathing stopping for a second. He wrapped his arms even harder, if that was humanly possible.

Shinwon looked at his small hyung, ignoring Hwitaek’s confused look. “Hyung, why were you screaming?”

“Oh that,” he scratched the back of his head. “I was scared our manager will storm through that door screaming, that’s why Hyunggu told me to calm down.”

“He probably will,” Changgu spoke for the first time. “He’s going to get the wrong idea about this, shit.”

Yanan stared down, containing his tear. _There go my chances._ He reminded himself that he could feel bad later, now, they had other problems.

Hyojong, who was still close to Changgu, kicked him on the knee.

“He probably won’t,” Hwitaek said, sitting down on one of the couches. “I’m more afraid on how CUBE is going to handle this situation. I just hope for support and for them to go there and defend you.”

Changgu massaged his knee and looked at Shinwon. The tall boy was still patting his boyfriend’s head, nodding and securing him with the eyes everything was fine. But their leader didn’t know and he was pretty sure neither did his older hyungs, that the thing that worried him the most was the relationship he was getting in the middle of. Hyunggu seemed to read his mind, because he turned around and smiled at him, like if he was saying ‘everything is fine hyung’.

“I’m more worried about the other option,” Jinho declared, sitting next to Hwitaek. “CUBE isn’t dumb.”

Hongseok took a set on the couch’s arm. He placed a hand on the oldest’s shoulder, which didn’t escape Hwi’s eyes, and stared at Changgu. “Jinho is right. Our agency loves to be the first one on everything, breaking with the norms and what’s normal, bringing what’s new to the table.”

Shinwon tilted his head right, closing his eyes a bit. “What do you mean?”

While Hongseok was opening his mouth to answer, the dorm’s door opened again, reviling their manager this time. He looked extremely happy and Shinwon started to understand what his hyungs meant. He was fucked.

“Hi!” he said, staring at the very concern members. “Oh, come on, let’s cheer up. This is just going to help you, okay?”

“I told you,” Jinho said, placing his own hand on top of Hongseok’s which, again, didn’t escape their leader’s eyes.

“What do you mean by helping us?” Changgu asked on a small voice, not really wanting to hear the answer.

“We had an idea,” the manager stated, inflating his chest proudly. “None other idol had come out as gay before and this will be so good for you! And, well, your sells will touch the sky.”

“WHAT? NO!” Changgu’s voice rose without him even realizing. He looked at Hwitaek with desperate eyes, screaming for help.

The leader nodded. “I agree with Changgu. Why hadn’t anyone done that before? It’s not like I don’t wish for our society to start open up more to idols having a different sexuality, but… Come on, scandals and hate start just because idols are dating other idols from the opposite gender, imagine the same on! Our sales will rise when it comes to international ones, but what about here? Korean and Japanese sales will fall to the grown; we won’t sell concert tickets, fansings, nothing. I’ll love to go out there and declare ‘Hey guys, I’m pansexual’ but do you think I would hyung? First of all, I don’t think half of the people would understand what the hell I mean by that and half of the half that would, probably would look at me as if I was an alien,” he stopped for a second, breathing. He hadn’t changed his tone, neither the speed he was talking at, but he felt as if he was running out of air on his lungs. Hyojong was staring at him, pretending not to. “Not all Korean people are close minded and lot of them won’t give a crap, but lots of them sadly would and I can’t risk Pentagon’s success, neither can Shinwon and Changgu.”

The room became silent, their manager processing everything Hwitaek had said. Hyunggu look at their leader, thankful and sad, because he was right. He had saved Shinwon and Changgu, but he had also doomed any relationship on the group, including his own. He had seen the way he looked at Hyojong when the other wasn’t paying attention and finally understood why he hadn’t made a move; _I can’t rick Pentagon’s success._

“You’re right, as always,” their manager spoke with his deep voice. “But we weren’t thinking about what you all are thinking. We wanted to deny any romantic relationship between Shinwon and Changgu, but we also wanted to ask you to for something,” he looked from the one of the involved to the other. “We would like for you two to keep spending time together, more than you usually do, just for a while,” he turned around to Hyunggu, apologizing with his eyes and Shinwon realized literally **everyone** knew about his boyfriends feeling before him. A light turned on in his head.

“But I’m dating Hyunggu,” he said, as if it was informing they’d ran out of eggs.

All of them, including his boyfriend, turned around to look at him with the wildest eyes, but the manager.

“Finally,” he breathed out, moving his hands. “What did you have to do Hyunggu, kick him until he realized?”

“Wait, you are?” Hongseok asked, exchanging looks with Jinho, how seemed as lost as him. Hwitaek opened his mouth to say something, but shut up and murmured something that seemed like ‘I’m a horrible leader’, and Hyojong just smiled at them.

“It’s confession time? Because we’re kind of dating too,” Yuto said, shrugging.

 **Now** their manager seemed very surprise. “We, who?”

 “We,” Wooseok stated, hugging his almost boyfriend from behind.

“That’s why you decided? I’m kind of proud.”

“Hyung, you knew and I didn’t!?” Hwitaek asked, too shock to process what was going on.

“I think,” their manager said, walking to the door, “that you need some time to talk about what’s going on in here. Hwitaek, calm down, you’re a bit dumb when it comes to love,” he looked at Shinwon. “But you’ll still do this right? We’re not asking you to kiss, just to hang out. I understand all this, but I don’t think everyone on the company will, okay?” the tall boy nodded and he was off.

Hwitaek stud up again, running a hand through his hair. “Okay then, what the hell is going on here?”

“You said it yourself hyung,” Yanan answered, speaking for the first time. “Our group is so gay.”

Hongseok couldn’t stop himself for broke into laugher, being followed by everyone else. “You did say that.”

Hwitaek shook his head. “I did, didn’t I? But we counted 4, not 6 so I’m a bit lost.”

“4?” Changgu asked.

“So, you,” the leader looked at the maknae line, ignoring Changgu completely, “are planning to explain to this old man what happened?”

“Do I really need to?” the purple haired asked. “Seems like all of you knew I liked Shinwon.”

“Minus him, of course,” Hyojong added with a smirk.

“I said I like him, I never said he was smart,” Shinwon hit him on the back. “Auch”

“The thing I’m more curious about,” Hyojong stated, placing a hand over Jinho’s head, “is **why** you knew about wooyu and didn’t tell me?”

“Well,” Jinho said, rising his eyebrows and smirking to his dongsaengs. “Let’s say I walked into a situation once.”

Wooseok let go of Yuto and they looked down and turned red, both by the current situation and the memories of the last one.

“Oh,” Hwitaek said before punching Hyojong on the ribs to stop him from laughing. He turned his eyes to Yanan, who shocked his head, and then to Hongseok, who looked at Jinho, wondering what he should say.

“But Jinhongseok? It’s obvious you solved your issue,” Shinwon was smiling, grabbing Hyunggu by the waist and pulling him closer.

“We did,” was all Jinho said, directing his eyes to Changgu. “So, what are you going to do?”

Changgu sighed, rolling his eyes. “Do we even have an option? We’re going to do it.”

Hwitaek and Hongseok carefully turned to Yanan’s direction, who closed him eyes and breathed, looking back at them, nodding.

“Okay then,” Yuto spill. “This is going to be fun.

 

After sending everyone to sleep, Hwitaek was on the kitchen by himself. He sat on the counter (he knew he shouldn’t, but he loved doing so) and pulled his head back, staring at the sealing. He had always known he’ll end up like this, with everyone he shared his life with happy, with some problems of course, and he being the only one worrying to much about stuff. It was on his nature, he always worried too much about everything. He breathed out; closing his eyes and thinking about the current situation he was in. Why was he so nice and open to everyone but so close and rude to himself? Why wouldn’t he just allow himself being happy? Did he have this necessity to be unhappy?

He puffed and blew all the air out of his lunges, rubbing his eyes with his hands. Everyone though he was a good leader, but he was just good to help other on his problems; helping himself wasn’t working out.

“The next time you scold me for being sitting on the counter, I’m going to kick you,” Hyojong said from the door. He was resting his body on it, wearing nothing more than a pajama bottom.

He watched as the younger opened the fridge. His back was bigger than his own and all the tattoos made him seem older. Hwitaek had been sighing about his best friends for years, but he couldn’t see them as a thing. Whenever people talked about ‘huidawn’ he got uncomfortable. He was already too busy fighting with his own feeling to have everyone and their grandma talking about how cute they were. Hwitaek had never stopped being his usual self about his best friend; he had being this touchy even before realizing he had some sort of romantic feeling, so he decided he would keep being his usual self after he did. Hyojong had those feeling for him too, he wasn’t as dumb about love as everyone though he was. But then again, none of them had done or said anything about it.

“You’re heavier than me, I’m allowed.”

“Sure, sure,” the younger stated, drinking juice directly from the bottle and placing himself in front of Hwitaek. He wasn’t **too** close but his stare penetrated the leader’s heart. “Can we talk for a second?” the older just nodded, trying to calm his body not to run out and Hyojong placed the bottle on the counter. “All this,” he proceeded, pointing between them, “is because you don’t want to fuck up? It’s because you don’t want to ruin our fame, our chances? You’ve never told me how you felt about me because you’re too worried about ruining all we’ve been fighting for.”

Hwitaek exhaled, looking down. “I… I—Yes”

“I can’t believe you. Well, I do, but I never though you’ll be this idiotic Hwitaek-hyung,” that hit him hard; no honorifics, that was their deal. “Don’t you think I have an opinion on this as well?  A relationship is between two people or more, not just one. Do you have any interest on what I think about this? Because I don’t care if you don’t, honestly, I’m the selfish one now. I love you, shit; I love you so fucking much. I’ve been in love with you for so long that I cannot even remember how my life was before you were on it. I love your dorky smile, your terrible dad jokes. I love how you close your eyes when you’re thinking too hard and I love how much you care for us. But right now, I’m so mad at you for carrying so much… Hwi, you deserve happiness just as much as we do. It’s not like us being together is Pentagon’s end, having a boyfriend or a girlfriend or whatever doesn’t make you less of an amazing leader. I know you want for us to be openly together and happy, but just being with you is enough for me, **you** are enough for me.”

He was crying, Hyojong was crying and he was the reason why. He wanted to punch himself on the face, but he was also crying. His heart ached between the two decisions he could made. He could stand up and leave, pretending this conversation never happened. But he wasn’t going to run away from his feeing anymore. _You said it yourself hyung, our group is so gay._

He extended his legs, wrapping them on Hyojong’s waist. He pulled him closer and closer, until there was literally no air between them and he barely rubbed his lips on his best friend’s. When he could feel the other on his own skin, he murmured. “I’m tired of running away.”

“Then, let’s stop running,” the air leaving Hyojong’s lips hit his and he lost hit, pressing his body strongly against the other’s. The younger’s mouth tasted like orange juice, filling Hwitaek’s heart with more feeling he could explain. Love, relief, calm, passion; he felt all at ones.

Hyojong hands travel all the way through his back, resting on the lower part. He started making small circles with his index finger. He felt like flying, being able to touch Hwitaek like that had only been a dream for him. He couldn’t even convert everything that was going through his mind into words. Loving Hwitaek in silence was painful, even more when he wasn’t completely certain if he was loved back. That uncertainty, he used to think, was even more painful than anything else. That’s exactly why, right now, he felt as if all the pain had been taken away, knowing not only that he was loved back, but also that he could also express his love as much as he wanted.

“Shit,” they heard, breaking their kiss. Jinho looked really sleepy and smaller than usual on the huge shirt he was wearing, probably Hongseok’s. “Why is always me? Why do I always walk into this kind of scenarios,” he started walking, taking the juice bottle Hyojong had left. “First wooyu, now huidawn, like, seriously guys, can you do that on your room? Hwitaek literally has his own room,” he stud there, taking a sip of the liquid and staring at them.

“Sorry?” the leader eyed his best friend, who was just laughing.

“You just want my room completely for you, don’t you?”

Jinho chocked on the juice, rubbing a hand on his mouth to clean the excess.

“I hate you.”

“Why would he want your room?” Hwitaek asked, unrolling his legs from Hyojong’s back.

“Who do I share room with?” he said, shaking his head.

“Their room is next to mine hyung, so please be quiet,” ha stated, as serious as he could.

Jinho punched both on the shoulder. “I should be the one saying that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG I'M SO SORRY SHIT  
> okay, it's been like 2 month or more? I don't want to check.  
> i had a existencial crisis, i dropped out of uni, i was sick and i had a writer block, ups.  
> anyways, this is shorter of what i'm used to write but i liked it and i think the chapter is perfect as it is so, sorry?  
> also, i wrote this after a conversation i had with a friend about korean culture and gay idols, this is just my opinion and you don't have to agree with me on the things i wrote.  
> hope you enjoy this, palo out.


	7. I know what I need and I need it fast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> smut, that's all that this is

When will Hongseok stop complaining?

It’s been two weeks since Jinho had attacked him with the “we should try” boom and Hongseok felt so much joy as desire to die. He was extremely happy Jinho had decided to give _this,_ whatever it was they were doing, a try. But, at the same time, the little peeks, the hand holding and the hugs were awakening something in him he didn’t know was there. Well, who was he fooling, he knew it was there, almost everyone has it on them, but he had been repressing it, even more when he realized who made it come to the surface.

They were lying on Jinho’s bed, like most of the time, given the fact he had a room to himself. Hongseok was playing poker on his phone, and losing miserably to Tom from Ireland, while the older, with his head resting on his friend’s tights, was reading a book. It looked interesting just because the cover was nice and it was in English, so Hongseok was going to ask if he could borrow it once Jinho had finished.

“I’m so glad I learned English all those years ago,” he said, closing the book and turning around.

He rested his cheek on Hongseok’s left tight, smiling up at him. The younger boy smiled back, letting his head fall back and biting his lower lips. **Those** were the moments in which Jinho acted innocent and with not bad intention at all, but Hongseok just lost it. He was embarrassed that just the sight of his friend close to his groin made him this aroused, but he couldn’t help it. It wasn’t just because, it was because it was **Jinho.** If Hyunggu took the same position at this moment, nothing will happen. But Jinho was different. He moved everything inside his body: he made his heart race, his stomach have a wrestling match with its content, his legs feel like jelly and his crotch feel suddenly awake. Jinho made every moment different and Hongseok didn’t want to consider what that meant.

“Seokkie?”

He shook his head, not looking down again and trying to calm himself. The position that turned him on so much was also too evident for Jinho to realize what was happening. “Me too, it’s so useful.”

Hongseok couldn’t see because his eyes were still closed, but he knew his hyung so well that he **knew** he was frowning. “Are you alright?”

And he moved, putting his hand when his head was seconds ago and leaned in. They were on a sitting-laying position, so their height difference wasn’t as prominent. Hongseok could feel Jinho’s breathe close to his mouth and as his cock twitched, his brain considered the option of throwing the oldest to the floor and run to the bathroom.

Before he could even scold himself for having such a stupid idea, Jinho had closed the space between their lips, pressing a sweet and wet kiss on his mouth.  Hongseok couldn’t help a whimper for escaping, feeling like an idiot. He placed both hands on his companion’s shoulder, ready to pull himself off the bed.

“Hongseok, I’m serious. What’s going on?”

_Oh, you know, you’re making my cock hurt hard and I really need your lips around it but, apart from that, nothing really._

“Nothing,” he knew his answer didn’t even convince himself but he slowly moved Jinho to the side, standing up. “I need to pee and then I’m graving some snacks, be right back.”

“Hongseok…”

“See you on a sec.”

And with that, he practically ran all the way to the bathroom that, thank God, was empty. He entered, closing the door behind him and taking a sit on the toilet. His breath was fast not just because of the little race there and he closed his eyes, trying to calm himself down. If he could do that, without having to put it down the other way, he was going to feel better about all this. He started thinking about sad and horrible things like spiders and snakes, blood and death. Great, it was working. He exhaled and ran a hand through his hair. What else did he hate? He thought about not having any more wifi, about Wooseok breaking the SmarTV, about Netflix being down for longer than a few hours.

But his mind flew back to Jinho and his beautiful lips close to his dick and all he had achieved disappeared, getting hard again.

Fuck.

He didn’t want to, he couldn’t. Jinho told him they were trying things, but this was too much. He knew he wouldn’t be disgusted or anything, but it was abusing of his trust. They hadn’t gone beyond kissing and it was maybe because they weren’t ready for it.

The door opened and so did his eyes, cursing about forgetting to lock it. Jinho was standing on the doorway, staring back at him.

“Come on.”

“Jinho-hyung…”

“I said, come on.”

Hongseok puffed and blew, standing up again and following Jinho’s path. In moments like this, he reminded him how he was older. His aura changed to a more dominant one, imposing more respect than usual.

They were back at Jinho’s room and when Hongseok entered, the older boy locked it behind him. This **wasn’t** helping him, he needed to escape.

“Hyung, I—”

“Do I turn you on?”

The question hit Hongseok like a truck.

“What?”

“Do I turn you on?”

“I,” he stopped and looked down, defeated. “Yes, you do.”

Jinho walked to him, grabbing his hand and pushing it forward. Hongseok gasped in surprise and leaned back when he felt Jinho’s own erection, perfectly palpable through his sweatpants. He was as hard as Hongseok and howled when the latter’s hand made contact with his clothed crotch.

“I have to say I’m glad,” Jinho said, looking at the light haired boy in front of him. “I would be pretty disappointed if I didn’t.”

Hongseok wanted to laugh in relief but he was too slow. The older had pressed their lips together again, this time fiery and stronger than all the times before. After a few seconds, Jinho’s tongue found its way into Hongseok’s mouth, licking his own. The younger moaned, not containing it this time. The sound made Jinho’s cock harden even more, asking desperately for some friction and he listened.

Pulling Hongseok by his shirt, not breaking their lips apart, he moved both of their bodies to the bed. It complained under the sudden weight, but none of them care. Hongseok tongue had also joined their kiss, sending shivers all over Jinho’s body. His blood was still traveling south, making the moment the younger’s tight pressed accidently into his dick all more pleasant.

“Okay,” Jinho barely moved his moth. “Let’s start slow.”

“Sure,” Hongseok’s voice sounded husky and sexual and Jinho wanted to pin him down and make him scream.

“By slow I mean ‘not going too far’ not actually slow because I’m so hard I gonna cry if you tease me.”

He could see the younger was surprise by how blunt he was, but Jinho had not shame whatsoever and he needed Hongseok, he needed him **now.**

He took care of their shirts, throwing them both across the room. They always joked about Hongseok’s body, how he was the one that exercised the most and all, but Jinho could now prove it was real. He had an amazing body that shouldn’t have made Jinho gasp, but it did. All him felt like a magnet, pulling Jinho to him.

The older pressed a kiss on top of Hongseok’s heart without realizing what he was doing, but the taller’s shiver and small cry made let him know he was doing the right thing. They both wanted this, Jinho would think about what wanting to fuck his best friend meant later.

Hongseok’s raised his head with a finger, getting complete access to Jinho’s neck. Of course he would fucking know Jinho had a **thing** with his neck that could be ticklish or arousing, of fucking course. He lost the ability to thing when Hongseok started to suck, leaving dark marks that would make their make-up artist cry in pain, but he didn’t really care as it was making him cry in pleasure. He had no idea how Hongseok had learned to make him this hot, but he was more than pleased with it.

The younger moved his hand down, stopping just on top of Jinho’s pants line. He moved away from his neck, making eye contact and waiting for Jinho’s approval. The shorter boy just nodded, incapable of making any coherent words come out of his mouth. What he could make come out of his mouth was a long moan when Hongseok’s ignored his briefs and slide his hand directly into Jinho’s erection.

“Hong… ah…”

He tried to say he wanted to touched him too, but Hongseok’s thumb passed over his head covered in precum, making him groan incredibly load. He had never felt so good, he decided. Jerking himself of had nothing against the feeling of Hongseok’s big hands around his dick, making their way up and down slowly at first. When his palm reached the head again, he wet it completely, giving it the chance to move faster.

“Fuck yes,” escaped Jinho’s mouth before he could stop it, not that he would have.

The younger’s eyes moved from south to north, looking at Jinho’s one. Both pairs were black with lust and Jinho shivered again, leaning in to kiss those sweet lips.

When Hongseok increased his pace again, Jinho gasped on his month.

“Yes, yes, yes,” were the only word he could form, leaning his head back a bit.

He decided he didn’t need words and made the same as Hongseok had, sliding his hand past the other’s sweatpants and underwear and reaching for his dick. He was bigger than him and not just because he was completely hard and untouched. The sensation made the younger whimper and Jinho looked down.

His cock was red and hard, completely wet. **He** was the one that had caused that, **he** was the one making Hongseok bend his back, thrusting forward, desperate for more friction.

When the older imitated him, using the precum to go faster, Hongseok eyes closed and he bit his tongue, moaning loudly.

“Shit Jinho.”

He had always liked the way his name sounded on Hongseok’s voice, but he decided that this was the most amazing way he had ever said it. He could barely think, not just aroused by the taller’s hand on his cock but by his own hand on his, which was another thing he needed to think about later.

“Fuck, I’m... I’m close.”

Until he heard that, he hadn’t realized that the hot sensation was burning on his lower stomach and he decided to let go on one of Hongseok’s fast strokes, coming with a loud groan and covering his stomach with cum. He raised his eyes to catch the exact moment the sight was too much for his partner, making him come as well.

They lay next to each other, trying to catch their breaths. Hongseok smiled at him, being the one that stud up and brought back some tissue from the wardrobe. He cleaned Jinho first, being extremely soft and careful and the older told himself he couldn’t get hard again. He lay back down after cleaning his stomach, throwing the used tissues into the trash can. Jinho moved as soon as Hongseok touched the bed, placing a kiss on the other boy’s mouth. They stared at each other smiling.

Jinho rested his head on Hongseok’s chest. He knew he needed to answer to himself a lot of questions but he also knew that, not matter how scary this was, Hongseok made him happy, happier than someone had ever made him

A strong knock on the door was immediately followed by Hwitaek’s screams.

“MAKE YOURSELVES DECENT AND COME OUT HERE RIGHT NOW, IT’S TIME TO TALK ABOUT SEX AND THIN WALLS.”

They both look at each other, suddenly remembering they lived with another 8 boys. Ups.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY SO LIKE, I'M BACK???  
> it didn't take me so long this time, i'm proud of myself.
> 
> first of all, THANKS FOR OVER 1K I'M LIKE LDBCHEDJLVBSJ it not much for some, but it's more i'd have ever dreamed of, so thank you, thank you SO much.
> 
> second, sorry if this was shit, i've been trying to write smut for a while and, well, this is the result. please tell me your opinion so i can get better at it.
> 
> third, i'm starting to work on friday!!! i'm so exited about it, you have no clue. aaaaanyway, i'll have less free time and i have two (three but that's a secret) fics i'm working on so sorry if the updates aren't as close to each other as they're now.
> 
> lastly, i wanna thank y'all (again) for being so supportive and nice, i feel so happy that such nice ppl read my shit, i cannot thank you enough. if you wanna come scream to me, here's my [twitter](https://twitter.com/stxrryjin) and [tumblr](http://stxrryjin.tumblr.com/)
> 
> goodbye, ily.


	8. I'm lost here in this moment and time keeps slipping by

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> feels, tears and more tears

“You two wish to die, don’t you?”

Yanan’s voice was soft and barely a whisper, but Jinho chuckled and Hongseok blushed, a little.

Hwitaek’s ‘talk’ had been half an hour of uncomfortable ‘don’t do this when others are around’ or ‘if you don’t use protection I’m going to cut your dick off’ until Wooseok had left out a completely innocent ‘but how about you and Hyojong-hyung, Hwitaek-hyung? We’re all young and have needs’, which had led to an ever redder-than-Hongseok Hwitaek and the conversation, well, the ‘conversation’, had ended.

Now, the centers of the previous conversation were sitting on the couch next Chinese boy’s, who looked too happy about all this. Lately, Yanan was feeling too tense and annoyed all the time. Did that had anything to do with the ‘Shinwon x Changgu’ fake shit that was going around? Maybe, just maybe.

After their manager had let them know what the plan was, the two involved part had decided that it wasn’t that bad and they could pretend for the cameras for a while. Hyunggu didn’t show any type of discomfort and, as much as Yanan wanted to be as mature, he wasn’t. He knew Shinwon loved the dancer more than he loved food (which was **a lot** ) and that Changgu had zero interest in him whatsoever (which he had clarified that same night) but his roommate was starting to think he had been reading everything wrong and Changgu had zero interest in him as well. Like, could the ten of them be more into other men than women? That seemed pretty improbable.

But then again, what was more probable? The word and society had impregnated on his brain that being a boy and liking a girl was the most no just probable but common. Heterosexuality was the norm. But that didn’t mean it **actually** was the most probable and common. Yanan himself had zero to none interest in them and a lot of his band mates seemed to share this as well. It wasn’t more or less probable or common, it was reality. Everyone’s reality was different and no one should have the right to come and tell you you’re out of what people consider to be this box of normality.

He looked up to his hyungs. The oldest had changed his position, resting his head on Hongseok’s shoulder, who had closed his eyes, rested his own head against the other’s and started stoking Jinho’s head. **This** was into Yanan’s ‘box of normality’. He loved seeing how much they all loved each other, on a way or another. Love for people was on his ‘box of normality’ on every way and he sometimes whished it could be on everyone’s box, he wished not just him but everyone could just love whoever they wanted to love without having to worry about what any other thought.

Wooseok left his whole weight fall into his hyung’s lap, bringing Yanan back to reality. The older hugged his dongsaeng by the waist and rested his cheek against the younger’s back.

“How are you holding on?”

“Mmm?” Yanan buried his face on Wooseok’s back, making it sound softer. He had no clue what the youngest meant and, lately, he didn’t feel like talking to anyone.

“You know, with the whole Shinwon/Changgu thing, are you okay?”

Yanan left out a sigh and buried his face even deeper, making Wooseok laugh. He shrugged, not sure what to say. He wasn’t okay with it, of course he wasn’t, but that was childish and he hated himself for it. Why couldn’t he just be like Hyunggu, who didn’t seem to even remember this mess was happening? Then again, he was **dating** the person he loved, not like him. Hyunggu didn’t have a _maybe,_ he already had a _yes._

He hugged Wooseok even harder, trying not to cry.

 

Changgu entered the living room feeling frustrated. He had just ‘gone out’ with Shinwon and the paparazzi weren’t actually the problem, the fans were. He couldn’t remember a day when so many pictures had been taken of him. They had kept the contact to minimum, just like if they had gone out as normal friends, but it was different. Shinwon hadn’t told him everything, but he knew the older was worried about Hyunggu and how all this could affect their relationship. Hyunggu himself didn’t seem really worried. He acted like he has always done, being his smiling and stubborn self.

But Changgu had other complications.

Yanan wasn’t talking to anyone a lot lately, but he wasn’t talking to him altogether. He usually when to sleep a full hour after him and woke up a full one before, which was insane because they already woke up incredibly early for practice.

The Chinese helped Hongseok with breakfast and the older didn’t seem annoyed by it but the contrary so Changgu thought it was wrong to talk to him so he could ask Yanan to stop. None of them were really good cooks and now that Hongseok had a helper; he wouldn’t take that from him.

Opening his eyes and passing a hand through his hair, he contemplated the scene that was taking place in front of his eyes. Jinho and Hongseok were being lovely, but not too lovely, on the couch while the TV was one. The sound covered the conversations that were taking place but his eyes instantly flew to his left.

His heart stopped for a few seconds.

Yanan was sitting on the other couch. He had obviously slept some shitty hours, because, by the small portion of his face he could manage to see, black bags had installed under his pretty eyes. Where his eyes pretty? When had he started to think so? On top of him was Wooseok. Yanan’s arms were around the younger’s torso and his face was barely visible from his position on the door, letting him see just a portion of it.

A strange warmth ran through his veins. He didn’t like this view; he didn’t like it at all. But why? Maybe because Wooseok was dating Yuto and Yanan was there, looking broke underneath him. When they had talk a few months ago about his friend’s feelings, he had referred to the person he liked as ‘she’ but, after that conversation, Changgu had come to the conclusion that ‘she’ was actually ‘he’, ‘he’ as in himself. He had felt weird about it and hadn’t wanted to talk with his best friend about all this because, no? He loved him; he loved him so much, but just as a friend. Or that was what he had thought. But he was fooling no one, not even himself. Since that night, odd feelings and sensation had taken control of his body every time his roommate came to mind. He knew what those feelings meant, he wasn’t dumb. But he wasn’t sure if Yanan did, indeed, like him and, now, he was even less sure. Maybe he had been sad and gloomy since ‘the G-day’ (they had decided to call it that for the _gay day;_ of course) had taken place and maybe it was because he had found out that the guy he liked was dating someone else.

He seemed confortable on Wooseok’s company; he looked as if he was just where he wanted to be. So, maybe, he did like a dude, but that dude wasn’t him. Changgu’s heart froze like if there was suddenly -40° on the living room. He felt pathetic but tears filled his eyes and he ran out of there, directly to his, _their,_ room.

He didn’t see Hwitaek on the way.

 

Hyunggu found Yanan by himself, fucking finally. The others had left the room but he was still sitting on the couch, reading some book. He looked like shit.

“Hyung.”

Yanan looked up, obviously surprised there was someone else there. “Hi Hyunggu.”

He sat next to the Chinese boy and took a better look. His eyes looked straight up dead and he was paler that usual. He knew he was waking up at the same time Hongseok was, but now he was also sure he was going to sleep at the same time **he** was and that’s not a good sign.

“Can we talk?”

The older closed his book, turned around, nodded and looked at him expectant.

“Okay, so, like, I know what’s going on with, you know, you,” he was nervous as hell and Yanan confused look wasn’t helping at all. “You are all sad and frustrated by what’s going on between Won-hyung and Changgu-hyung. At the same time, you feel incredibly childish by your feelings and you don’t want to talk about them with anyone because you’re scared how they’ll react,” he took a breath. “And I know this because I feel exactly like you do.”

“But, you…”

“I’ve been so calm and smiling, acting like nothing of this matter? Yes, it’s called ‘acting’, Yanan-hyung. I feel just as mad at this as you do. I hate the idea of this happening, I hate it so much and it’s making me insane,” he broke, he couldn’t anymore. The tears started going off his eyes before he could realized it. “I’m so fucking scare because all this means that I will never be able to go out with Shinwon in public, to have a date, to kiss him out of this walls. You know what people will think? That I’m a bitch, that I broke my best friends’ relationship. And if they don’t, they’ll surely think that things between Changgu and I are bad, because that’s the logical answer. I hate this, I hate it so much.”

He was sobbing and Yanan was hugging him tight, he didn’t know when they started hugging but he didn’t care. They were never the closest within the group but right now, the Chinese was the only one able to understand him and his feelings.

Yanan was also crying. “I’m so sorry Hyunggu; I’ve been so centered on myself and how I felt that I couldn’t see you we struggling just like I was. This whole situation is shit and, to be honest, it’s only going to get worse once they come out as a couple. We could stop this but something tells me, just like me, that you won’t. We want the best for the bad and this is definitely it, even if we hate it. As far as your situation goes, you need to talk with Shinwon about it.”

“No,” it came out before he could stop it. “If I tell him how I feel, he’d go to the company and tell them he’s not doing this anymore.”

Yanan patted Hyunggu’s head. “He loves you so much.”

Another sob left the younger mouth. “Changgu loves you too.”

Yanan shook his head. “He doesn’t but it’s okay.”

“Of course he does!” his voice stopped breaking. “I’ve seen the way he looks at you, hyung. Nobody can look at someone they don’t love that way, it’s just impossible.”

Yanan took a deep breath before speaking what was on his heart. “Thanks Hyunggu, but I don’t think he does and I mean it when I say you don’t have to worry about it. I’ll get over him and move on; I can’t keep still, dreaming of something that can’t be. It’s going to take a bit of time but I’m going to be alright again in no time. He is, after all, my best friend and I love him on a lot of different ways.”

Hyunggu didn’t want to, but he nodded. He was sure Changgu had the same feeling for Yanan he had for him but until the older wouldn’t come in terms with them, there was nothing that could be done. He hugged Yanan even more, feeling incredibly proud of him. He was so mature and sure of himself; sure he’ll be able to let this all behind him and move on. He was also sure he won’t have to, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t proud of his intentions.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was so sad wtf i hate myself.   
> i was feeling sad so here it is, i swear it'll get happy again :)  
> also, this story is coming to its end and i feel so many different ways???? i'm so thankful with all of you who supported me and waited dacades for me to upload. this story means so much to me and i'm so fucking happy i was able to pull it off okay.  
> so, i was thinking of writing so smut before it ends and i would love your you to tell me if that's what you would like???  
> again, thank you so much; your comments make my days and i can't possible tell you how much this means to me.


	9. Lie down with me and hold me in your arms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> smut because i felt bad about the last chapter

“Would you stop and listen to me?”

Changgu whipped away his tears, looking angrily at his leader. It was the fourth time in the last two week he was there, trying to convince him to do something he didn’t feel like doing because he was a childish little prat. But he didn’t care and he shot fire with his eyes while the other sat on his bed. They’ve gotten rid of the annoying bunk-beds a while ago and owning _his_ own bed felt amazing, for a while. It felt amazing until he realized how much his heart screamed to share a bed with the person he had technically shared a bed with for so long.

He felt so pathetic not even his penetrating glare towards Hwitaek could make him feel less lost. Actually, I made him feel worst because his hyung had done nothing more than support him since he had found him crying for what will become the first of a lot of times. He felt stupid, because he was a 22 year-old that could nothing but sulk about how miserable his life was. But more than anything, he felt empty and alone because, no matter in which way, Yanan was the love of his life and he wasn’t ready to lose him.

But he had.

He had lost the love of his life and now he was miserable and sad all the time and he acted like a 10 year-old and he was honestly surprised none of them had punched him already and he was also so mad at them for not doing it when he really want it.

He was no masochist, okay? But feeling as he felt, he needed someone to burn a fist on his face because all this was his fault. Somehow.

 _Don’t doubt it; **it’s** your fault, _ the part of his brain that hated him said.

Ignoring their leader, he felt face first to his bed, groaning. Why did he have to go and fuck the best think that had happened to him entirely? He groaned again, it’s not like he had spent the last two weeks, or more, thinking about it.

The exact moment he had come to accept the feeling he had for Yanan, everything had started going downhill. He was tired of this shit with Shinwon and of the entire band thinking that the inevitable _coming out moment_ was even a possibility. It wasn’t. He, and apparently only him, was aware of Hyunggu’s feeling on the situation and he had decided _this_ , which hadn’t have existed on the first place, was ending. Now.

Hwitaek had agreed with him but then he had started scolding him again and now he refused to listen to him.

Because he was right, he was **so** right.

He felt a hand on his back and sighed. Hwitaek’s eyes were filled with pain and he hated the fact that he was making him suffer. Then again, has he said already how miserable he felt? So well, not chance of making everything better for anyone right now.

“Changgu, please listen to me. I’m sick of the both of you going around the dorm as if life was pointless. You’re dying for each other and don’t look at me like that, because he’s dying for you. I don’t know where you got the idea he likes Wooseokkie but he doesn’t. Every time I tell you this I fell wrong but he likes **you** and he even told me that. You know for sure and why on Earth won’t you just go and talk with him?”

He didn’t want to answer so he hid his face on the pillow. He wasn’t going to cry, **again** , but as much as he had solved his own feeling out and knew for sure they were mutual, he was too scared he had caused an irreparable damage to his and Yanan’s friendship. He was too scared to hear the other telling him that it was too late, that not only he didn’t fancy him anymore, but that he wanted nothing to do with him at all. He was scared to lose the tiny light of hope that was still shining on his heart. He loved Yanan more than he’d even loved anyone on his damn life and losing him completely would be like losing a limb. Now, even though constantly suffering by the lack of communication, he knew a part of Yanan was still with him. He wasn’t ready to lose that too.

“Hwitaek-hyung, I—”

But the boy wasn’t looking at him when he turned around. The leader’s eyes were locked on the door and Changgu was too scared to look at it. He knew when his roommates was in there and vice-versa so they never entered on those times. His eyes met Yanan’s and his heart was shattered even more. Yanan looked **fine**. He knew he should feel bad about it but, didn’t that mean that the Chinese boy had gotten over him and was starting to live happily again? He swallowed, trying to keep the tears away.

Hwitaek was out the room before he could get on terms with being alone with Yanan and the latter closed the door, locking it actually.

There was fire on his gorgeous brown eyes and he had been the one putting it there. He had spent the last weeks preparing for this moment, but nothing could even prepare him for the thought that Yanan hated him.

However, he took Hwi’s place and sat on the end of his roommate’s bed. He exhaled loudly and before Changgu could think about facing the pillow again, a body dropped on top of his own. It wasn’t the first time he was feeling Yanan’s weight, but he was skinnier and this was different; Changgu wanted to turn around and wrap his arms around the other boy’s body, protect him from all the bad thing that had happened. But he couldn’t, because **he** had caused his agony.

“Changgu,” he whispering his name was like heaven on earth. It felt so long since the last time those beautiful lips had called him, he was starting to forget how it made him fell. “I’m going to talk to you and you’re going to listen, understood?”

It was so weird; Yanan was shy and funny, never dominant. Changgu’s hormones ran through his body but he couldn’t even realize because he was too scare. He was pinned down to the bed; there was no escape. It was time for his heart to completely shatter.

“I’ve been in love with you for longer than I can admit to myself. You aren’t just my best friend, you’re my other half. You completed me even before I realized I was missing something. I love your laugh and how stupid it sounds when you’re drunk. I love the cheeky smile you put when some park you did went perfectly. I love the smile you wear when we talk about your real family, the one that still lives at your childhood home, and your new family, _us._ I love the uncomfortable smile you wear when the member tease you or when you can say something way too embarrassing that’s running through your mind. I love how you close your eyes while you play the guitar, how you seem to disappear into some other world that I’m lucky enough to witness. I love how your eyes follow me during times when I feel sick or just sad, making sure I’m not struggling too much. I love how your eyes look at me and only me when I’m talking to you. And that’s the main reason why I love **you** , because you make me feel as if I’m the only important things to your eyes. Yeo Changgu, I’m deeply in love with you and I wish for you to stop acting like a complete dick and kiss me once and for all.”

It took him exactly half a second to turn around, carefully grabbing his best friend by the hips, not dropping him to the floor on the process, and pressed their lips together. It wasn’t one of those cheesy and crappy kisses you read on a book. It was a small peak that lasted for barely a second, but he had to speak too.

“Yanan, _fuck_ , I love you so much it’s surreal. How didn’t I realize until you brought up you were in love with someone will always be a mystery to me, well, maybe not, it’s just because I’m an asshole. What I’m trying to say it’s that I don’t know how it took me so long to realized the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life slept across from me since 2012. You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me and I’m **so** deeply sorry I was too scared of completely losing you to man up and go talk to you. Man up it’s a crappy expression because women are as cool as brave, not that I care about them because I’m as gay as I could be and I’m in love with my gorgeous Chinese best friend.”

Yanan was shock. Changgu wasn’t just only in love with him but he had rambled and he had called him gorgeous. **Gorgeous**. He was the gorgeous one, with his beautiful puffy lips that called for his own. He listened.

He kissed him again, fearlessly this time, murmuring ‘you twat’ and ‘I hate that I love you so much’ between them. He had felt miserable for days until Hyojong had dragged him into his room and scolded him about absence of communication. Yanan could hear the front door shutting and reminded himself to thanks his hyungs later. They were alone, he was sure, and he wasn’t going to waist it.

Changgu’s breath felt so fucking amazing against his skin, calling him in, asking for more. He wasn’t sure so he stopped the kissing for a second to look at his lover; he could call him that now.

“Hyojong said something,” pant, “about going to get food,” pant, “with everyone.”

Changgu eyes lighted up. “Really?”

“Really.”

They locked eyes for a few seconds before understanding that they loved each other and they could be together in every possible way.

Changgu kisses changed, Yanan noticed. He started licking a lot more until his tongue made its way inside the other’s mouth. I was awful really, because none of them had lots of experience doing this and weren’t sure what the other liked, but it was still incredible. Their lips clacked together awkwardly, while Changgu tried to bite Yanan’s lower lip. When he succeeded, the boy left out a loud moan that was enough to give him a heart attack.

Yanan was so fucking cute and handsome and pretty and hot and everything Changgu could think of right now and more, because that wasn’t much. His mind was cloudy, focusing only on the boy on top of him. His hands moved back down to his hips, lifting his shirt a bit to slide them underneath it. It was incredible how a simple touch of his best friend’s skin made him felt all these, all these at once. It was smooth and white as milk, hot thanks to their contact.

It wasn’t enough; he needed more, so much more. Carefully, he pulled the material up, caressing Yanan’s torso and back with both hands. He had seen him naked before, but never really paid attention to it. His skin was covered with moles and tiny freckles that formed a beautiful night sky on his body. Changgu moved his head to the right, letting the other know what he wanted.

Yanan dropped smoothly by his side, allowing him full movement. Lifting himself up, Changgu lower his body until his mouth was at the height of his lover’s stomach. His mind had screamed that he wanted to do this, so he obeyed. He placed a small kiss on top of one of the boy’s mole, just next to his belly button. His skin there was even hotter and _god,_ he was so sexy, so, so sexy. He made a trail of peaks all over Yanan’s front, making him squish and moan. His mouth was open and his eyes closed and Changgu’s heart felt at home, finally at home.

Not really realizing what he was doing until he was doing it, he unbuttoned Yanan’s pants, a gasp escaping the other’s mouth and holy shit, how could someone be so erotic? He continued with his kisses, this time on top of his boxers until another idea came to him. He pulled his tongue out, sliding it underneath them. Yanan groaned and it sounded almost like a scream. Changgu thanked Hyojong silently.

His tongue traveled all the way from his lover’s right hip bone to the left. At this point, the incredible noises that were leaving Yanan’s mouth had made all his blood travel south and, to be completely honest, he was painfully hard.

“Changgu, shit,” his voice was breathless and husky. “Can you **please** move one?”

He grinned. “Whatever you want, babe.”

Yanan laughed at the pathetic pet name for exactly 2 seconds before screaming a loud ‘ah’. Changgu’s mouth had taken his dick entirely and he had no clue how he had managed not to choke. The warmth felt so incredible on his erection he almost came that instant. Changgu didn’t really know how to do that, but he knew enough. No teeth, slowly and then faster.

“Changgu, _fuck_ ,” he grabbed the other by the hair and, not too harshly, pulled him to himself. He liked this, feeling dominant, who would have tell? Not him.

Changgu brushed his tongue all the way along Yanan’s erection until he reached the tip. He had another idea and locked eyes with his roommate while grabbing the base with a hand and licking the top. Yanan shuddered.

“I’m going to come,” his voice pleaded.

“Come, it’s not going to be the last time you do that tonight,” and he sucked back down again, felling his mouth getting filled with hot liquid. He swallowed, cleaning the excess with his thumb and dropping next to his best friend. “You liked that?”

“You’re so fucking hot,” Yanan gasped.

“Our little Yanan swearing, the others would faint if they hear you.”

“Don’t worry, you’re the only one I’m planning to curse,” he kissed him.

“I’m glad to hear that,” Changgu smiled on the kiss.

He liked kissing Yanan, he liked it a lot and his dick liked it just as much as he did. He wanted touch, friction, but, at the same time, he wasn’t going to come like that, he needed Yanan for that.

He decided to change their positions again, dropping himself on top of the other. Well, he didn’t really drop himself, he more of, you know, sat on top of Yanan. The latter stared in awe how he started removing his shirt, revealing a skin tanner than his own. Changgu’s body was no joke, he was incredibly beautiful. The Chinese boy couldn’t stop himself for devouring the other with his eyes, taking in every single detail. Changgu face was a bit red but nothing compared with his lips, puffed and entirely red from all the kissing and sucking. He bit his lower lip and unbuttoned his own jeans slowly, felling how his plan was working in between Yanan’s legs and just under his own member. He raised his hips and legs just enough to remove both his pants and underwear, sitting now completely naked on top on the other.

Yanan moaned at the view, kicking his jeans (carefully not to drop Changgu too) of his legs. He was fully hard again and a little scared of how much control Changgu had over him and his body.

“Yanan,” he had never liked his name so much. His friend looked down at his briefs, “take those off too, _please_.”

“Shit Changgu, you’re so hot I may pass out.”

They laughed and Yanan obeyed, taking them off. His dick, already hard again, met Changgu’s and his head felt as warm as the inside of a volcano. The latter, how didn’t look as if he was planning on waiting, rub their erection together while leaning forward. He moaned and Yanan, one more time, lost his ability to even.

“Do you have condoms?”

“It’s your bed, twat,” Yanan said with a smirk.

“Shit, right,” he tried to move but the friction made him moan again. “On the drawer.”

Yanan extended his hand and opened it, searching on it without looking. He found them but he also met a bottle he was sure of what it contained. He raised an eyebrow at Changgu teasing.

Changgu looked at what he was holding and his mouth opened on a perfect ‘o’. “Hwitaek-hyung.”

“Remind me to thank him later.”

Changgu nodded but took the bottle of Yanan’s hand. “Can I do it?”

The idea made him even harder, if it was possible. “Yes.”

Changgu opened the container and dropped some lube on his three middle fingers. Without getting off Yanan, he moved his hand to his back and, even though he couldn’t see, the Chinese knew what he was searching for. When the older yanked forward a little with a pain expression, Yanan’s hand traveled unconsciously to the other’s erection. He started jerking him off but just slowly, making him aroused so he could forget the pain but not enough to make him come.

Changgu took a deep breath and moved his hand. It was pretty uncomfortable but at least it didn’t hurt anymore. When the walls stopped burning, he added a second one. This time it hurt a little bit more, but it also started feeling good. It was like nothing he had felt before, but he liked it. He had read about it on the internet, so he kind of knew what to do. He separated the fingers and closed them again like a scissor. He relaxed his body, concentrating on the pleasure and not the pain. Yanan’s hand on his dick was really helping him with that part. He moved them a little bit deeper and screamed.

“Holy fuck.”

“You found it?” Yanan’s voice was husky again and he understood this was turning him on just as much as the blowjob had.

He took some deep breaths. “Yes.”

“Does it feel good?”

“Amazing.”

Yanan nodded. “I’ll try next time.”

The mention of next time reminded him they were about to have sex and he focused back on what he had been doing. It took him a while to find the place again but, when he did, he added a third finger and Yanan moaned loudly. He moved his hand a few more times and then pulled it off or this was going to end right there.

Gasping, he kissed Yanan and whispered. “Let’s go.”

“I’m going to do it slowly, let me know if you want to stop.” They both smiled at each other and Yanan grabbed Changgu by his hips and moved him at his side. “I, em, did a bit of research. They’re two way of doing this so you won’t hurt as much. I can go on top or,” he stopped, biting his lips and Changgu knew the other one was way more appealing so, without waiting he said.

“The other one.”

“But I haven’t—”

“No need.”

“Okay,” the younger breathed deeply. “Turn around.”

Changgu pleased. He turned around and Yanan lifted his hips, making him rest his whole weight on his knees. Oh, that one. Yep, he knew this one.

He felt Yanan moving closer and took a deep breath. The latter grabbed his dick and inhaled. He closed the gap completely and pulled in. Changgu tightened around him and the view made his eyes go all cloudy. He forced himself not to come and pulled a little bit more slowly.

“Okay?”

“It hurts a little but it’s not unbearable.”

“Fine, fine. Let me know if it’s too much.” Changgu nodded and he leaned again, putting more in this time. The older gasped but didn’t ask him to stop. When he was in entirely, he exhaled. Changgu was so hot and tight around him, he knew he wasn’t going to last long. “I’m going to move now.”

“Move then.”

He did. Not a lot and still slowly but it felt _incredible_ , like **nothing** he had experienced before. He moaned. “Changgu you’re so tight I’m going insane.”

Changgu answered with a groan and he moved again, going a little deeper this time and pulling out just a few centimeters more. When he went in again, Changgu moaned his name.

“Do that again,” pleasing, he did. “Yes Yanan, yes,” he was moaning and gasping, “right there, yes.” He went in a little harder and Changgu screamed his name, there was no stopping now.

He leaned his body forwards, kissing Changgu’s back and jerking him off, he wasn’t going to last much more. They were a mixture of sweat, scrams and moans and Yanan felt so, so good. The view of Changgu beneath him, sucking him in and screaming his name was enough for him to forget how to do simple things like breathing and thinking.

He trusted fast. “Changgu, I’m going to come.”

“Yes, please, come, come,” Changgu turned into a ‘please’ machine during sex, good to know. “Make me come.”

He didn’t have to be told twice. He trusted hard while his hand on Changgu’s dick went up and down quickly. He came first and, apparently, that was enough for the older.

“Yanan!” his voice broke and the Chinese could felt the hotness on his hand. He pulled out and reached for some tissues on the bedside table. He cleaned Changgu, first his back, then his front. Afterwards, he cleaned himself and laid next to his lover.

Changgu’s arms found their way to his chest and he hugged him tightly, as if he was going to escape. He hugged back, he wasn’t going anywhere; he was just where he wanted to be.

“I love you so much.”

“ _Wǒ gèng ài nǐ,_ ” Changgu answered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyo, i'm back, kind of.  
> so, i've had this ready for like a week but i was to lazy to correct it, ups.  
> well, i liked how this turned out, even though i suck at smut and i can't write for shit. also, changgu says 'i love you more'  
> this fic has maybe, two or so chapters lefts? thanks for all the kudos and comments, you literally made me the happiest human being.  
> pd: go stan nu'est


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